Life as a New Believer
My Struggles as a Born Again Christian
Singleness Series
I have sinned.
In my pre-Christian life, I've had sex outside of marriage, I've also had multiple sexual partners, all outside of marriage. The “looking for love in all the wrong places” issue. I was expecting those men to show me the love I longed for. But they weren't looking for love, they were only after something else. I often gave it to them as I thought that was the thing to do and I also thought it was what I wanted and needed. I also thought that was the connection I was looking for. I guess technically it was a connection, but it wasn't the connection I either needed or that God wanted for me.
Yet, God still loves me. He called me back to Him like the lost sheep I was and the one Jesus mentions in Matthew 18:10-14 and Luke 15:1-7. No matter how far you've strayed, He still loves you and wants you to follow Him. Ask for His forgiveness and you will receive it.
Being baptised as an adult, or born again, washed away all my past sins. I am made new but I’m struggling to know my place now that I can no longer live as I used to. How should I act? What can I and can't I do? I can no longer act on certain desires as I used to do as they are now considered a sin. I want God to be pleased with me. I want to be His dutiful daughter. But I'm fumbling in the dark as it's still all so new to me. I'm still learning everything. I feel like I know nothing.
“‘Now to the unmarried and the widows, I [Paul] say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.’”
I've not had a relationship for about nine years, I can't actually remember how long ago it was, it was somewhere around there. But, if I'm called to be single forever, can I find peace in that? Society has made being single a negative thing. Like we aren't complete, whole people because we haven't found our person.
““So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.””
This means that I don't need anyone to complete me. I'm already complete. I am not less than because I am single.
An issue is that I have never fully loved myself because I grew up believing that I wasn't good enough, clever enough or pretty enough. The above verse from the Bible says that I was always enough, and I already know that those who told me otherwise lied to me to make themselves feel better about themselves. Maybe they didn't think they were worthy to be God's child and so didn't want me to be either.
It seems unfathomable to me that He planned out my life millennia before I was even born. The chances of me being here, of any of us being born is so small, that it is a miracle we are all here in the times we are.
After I left my ex, I thought that I would be in another relationship within a few years. How wrong I was. Well, I wasn't completely wrong as I was sort of in a few relationships. I was sleeping with a handful of guys and also sexting with a different handful of guys. I did what non-believers do in their late teens and early twenties in my early thirties as I hadn't done it earlier.
I can't help but be attracted to some guys I see and wonder if they're my person. They never are of course because I'm attracted to them for all the wrong reasons. I want them to help ‘fix’ me and I guess I’m still in that societal mindset that they will complete me because that belief is ingrained in all of us non-believers so much.
I know that not all guys are the same but l also don't trust my judgement as the last two guys I thought were for me, quite obviously weren't and subsequently ended up hurting me. I'm also scared of opening my heart up to someone again and having them stomp all over it like what's happened to me in the past.
I find myself masturbating when I feel lonely when I need ‘release’ or to help me get to sleep sometimes. It’s something that doesn't make me feel like it used to and as a result, I’m working at stopping it. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be because it's something that I've done for many years. Some old habits die hard.
I’ve noticed myself having feelings of jealousy towards women who have a boyfriend, fiancee or husband. Followed by thoughts of unworthiness because I don't have any one of those, and will I ever have that? Some days I'm okay with knowing I may never experience that, and other days I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me.
Will I be alone forever?
It could be argued by my fellow believers that I'm never alone as God is always with me, but that's not what I meant. Will I ever love and be loved by another human in a romantic relationship? I want to add ‘again’ at the end of that sentence but in truth, I've never been loved by those I have loved in that sense.
I've already learned that my worth doesn't come from others, my job or any external forces, but only from God. I do struggle with this fact a lot as it's such a new fact for me, I’m so used to how socially we think that our worth comes from what we do and what others say to us and think of us.
If I knew that I was going to be single forever then I could prepare myself for that, but clearly, I've no such insight. I may very well end up in a new relationship and I might even get married, but again this is all obviously unknown to me at this point.
In my immediate circle, there’s no one suitable for me to begin dating so it looks like it’s the single life for me for the foreseeable future at least.
That reminds me of a few posts I wrote a couple of years ago titled The Dating Game. I posted three blogs in the series in November and December of 2018 and the final one in January 2019.
I’m struggling to know how to approach the dating world as a Christian. How do I meet Christian men? I know you’re probably going to tell me; “Duh, at church.” But there aren’t any suitable/eligible men at my church. The single men aren’t my type, ie I don’t find them attractive or they're far too young, I know looks aren’t everything but it does tend to help. We are also quite a small church.
I've never been the most confident especially when it comes to dating and it doesn't help that I’m also the most clueless at knowing when a guy is interested in me. All that coupled with my not believing that I’m not good enough or pretty means I've currently no hope or a very microscopically thin chance of leaving Single Town.
I know my age isn't helping as by my age, people are already well settled and if they are single they most likely have children. In which case, they'll be more cautious about who they let into their lives, and I understand that.
As of this writing, I’m happy where I am. Life is uncomplicated by anyone else and I can be selfish with how I spend my time. Maybe after all this, that’s what the lesson is in this season, besides healing from my abusive past, but to also learn how amazing I am. To get to know my abilities and His truth of who He created me to be. I’m getting to know and love myself along with getting to know and trust God.
