Struggles as a New Christian
Can I Trust Him?
Singleness Series part 2
Society expectations; go out, drink lots, meet someone and take them home/or go home with them. I did both of these things, multiple times because I was so lost and searching for love in the wrong places, but didn't know it.
I can’t remember the last time I went out and drank lots. I’m guessing it was around seven years ago when a couple of friends used to put club nights on at a local city centre nightclub. But I got fed up with regularly waking up on Sundays feeling like crap, and effectively wasting a day feeling sorry for myself. It was only when I stopped going out on Saturday nights that I realised I’d get the whole next day back!
The last drink I had was either at my last work’s Christmas do or it may have been the ladies' night out for my church, both of which were in early 2020. The work meal was on February 15, of that year, and I’ve no record of the ladies' meal in my phone calendar, but it was at least February or March I’m guessing because it was before lockdown one.
For a few years, I would only have one or two drinks and I would be OK with that. When I stopped drinking and going out, gained my Sundays back, and realised what I had lost; a whole day of the week! Sundays became my rest and recharge days, a day to debrief from the previous week and recharge for the upcoming week.
I began to be productive on Sundays; I’d put the laundry on, I would chill, get my food shop done for the week ahead and prepare my work lunches for the upcoming week. I realised what a waste drinking was for me, at least drinking 4-5 alcoholic drinks which would ruin me for the next day.
I had a hole in my heart and I tried to fill it with the wrong things and wrong people. It wasn’t for things of this earth or for another human to feel it, it was for Jesus to fill it.
We as non-believers search and search to feel filled and made whole from external sources such as drink, sex, money and adoration from others. But all along we need to look inside of us to find Jesus, who was there all along waiting patiently for us to realise that He alone fulfils us.
I was lost until He found me. His lost sheep. He kept calling me and calling me until finally I heard him and called back out to him so he could come to me right where I was. Non Believers are all His lost sheep and it’s up to them to want to hear him, to be found and rescued by him like all of us believers were.
I still keep my Sundays for rest and recharge purposes and in addition, they are now, more centred around and focused on God.
A product requires a process.
I can’t expect to be a proper Christian overnight. And what even is a proper Christian? Does such a thing even exist? Becoming and being a Christian is a journey, full of learning and growing experiences.
I need to unlearn the old ways that I used for 43 years and learn a whole new set of beliefs and ways of doing some things. But I’ve only done some of those new for the last three years. Three years versus forty-three years equals nothing, no comparison. I’m a baby Christian. I can’t expect to be perfect straight away and didn’t Jesus say no one is perfect?
““But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.””
So we become perfect by becoming His fully. Because He is perfect. But it’s not an overnight thing, we are a flawed race sometimes too easily led by the enemy and think we control things too often, that aren't meant for us to control.
No one ever said it would be easy, and historically Christians, like other faiths have been persecuted. Also, accepting Jesus into your life means more attacks from the enemy as he was so used to ruling and running our lives previously. The difference is that we now know who is against us, but we also have an amazing Father who will help us battle our demons. If we would just ask.
““2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.””
“Consider it a joy to face trials of many kinds” My takeaway from this? Everything is worthwhile and even pain leads to better things.
Making Progress?
Literally, one day after my last blog post was uploaded, I was trying to get to sleep but I was frustrated because it was too hot to sleep. We’re currently in a heatwave here in the UK where it's been in the very high 30’s°C which is VERY hot for us. We tend to average around the mid-’20s to the occasional low 30s.
Anyway, I thought that I could have a play and relieve that frustration and that would maybe that would help me to get to sleep. Instead, I took a breath and asked God to help me with it and He led me to try to refocus my thoughts on to Him, which was definitely a struggle because the enemy was tempting me to sin.
How much easier would it be if I just did the thing I originally wanted to do, no matter what I thought or felt about it afterwards?
But, I knew that giving in was the easy way out and what the enemy wanted me to do. The last few times or let's be REAL honest, probably for the last few years it's not had the desired effect on me. It’s not pleasing to me and it's not something that I enjoy anymore. So why do I STILL want to do it?
Eventually, I managed to shift my thoughts by praying for others as I usually do as I'm settling down to sleep, and the desire to gain relief died away and sleep soon came for me. And by the morning, I’d forgotten all about the temptation the previous night.
I’m acting out of lust when I masturbate and I think I’m lacking something when I do it. I have feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy enough, and not being pretty enough all coming up again and again and again. So I masturbate to feel something, other than that lack.
But it doesn’t work, it’s a selfish act, and it’s sinful as it’s coming from those feelings of lust. But I don’t know how to stop it, because of what the catalyst is. As when I’m trying to get to sleep isn’t the time or place to start deep diving into why I’m doing what I’m doing, what I’m actually feeling, and where those feelings have come from? And ultimately try and brainstorm my way out of that place and those feelings. Then by the morning, I’d forgotten those feelings and thoughts so I can’t do it then. So it’s a continual cycle, of never-ending shame.
Why share these struggles?
Over the last few years, I've searched online for how to be a Christian after being sexually active and I've come up with little to no information that I’ve found useful. I know that I’m not the only one in this situation so why the lack of helpful resources?
Anything that I have found about being a new believer, say to join a church, find a Christian community, and read and study scripture… All the standard things that we do as Christians anyway, but how do I navigate all the temptations and beliefs from my past that are no longer suitable for me to do because I’m a Christian?
That’s what I want to know!
I’m aware that I mentioned these in my previous post but; how do I navigate not giving into my old ways of sexual temptation? How do I a find suitable Christian man who isn't old or far too young when my church is very small? How do I date as a born-again Christian after being sexually active and now wanting to honour God?
Nothing but questions…
I guess I should take them to God.
…
Well, that seems obvious now that I've typed it out!
I need to take these things to Jesus and lay them at His feet. I need to hand them over to Him for Him to do His will with them. They’re not for me to control, even the first one! That one especially needs to be surrendered.
Wow!
As you were reading, you should know that the above was brought about as I was typing, and that is ALL directly from Him. Because He knows that's what I needed to know and that someone else out there ALSO needs to hear that.
This is why I journal, why I share my stories on Instagram and write blog posts about what I’m going through. Because writing it down or typing it out helps me to process things, and just as in this case, get amazing nuggets of wisdom downloaded straight from Jesus.
This is why I was led to the Martha and Mary story last year!! For this moment, right now. To sit down at Jesus’ feet and hand these things over to Him. For Him to take them off me as they were never meant to be my burden to carry. They are for Him to deal with on my behalf. It's all part of His plan for His glory and I am a mere pawn in his game as such.
His will be done. Not mine. I need to take my hands off the wheel and trust that He has control of it everything, of it all.
That’s a HUGE ask as a new believer, but I am willing to work on it more with Him and see where He takes me. To see what awesome plans He has prepared for me in His timing.
I was yearning for something and I didn't know what I was looking for. I was looking to fill my heart and I found external sources of sex and alcohol. I was needing to be loved but I ended up doing that in the wrong ways and from the wrong people. I was filling the void in my heart with all the wrong things.
My heart was needing God, not what I was giving it.
Masturbation – yearning for something: connection, love, release and relief but it no longer works, I don’t get the desired effect. My heart was longing for God but I gave everything but that – until a few years ago when things began to change after He began pursuing me. I felt more whole inside, more loved after becoming a believer and especially after I got baptised in November of last year.
I know it may not necessarily matter whether I act on certain self-pleasure desires, but as I’m not getting what I used to do out of it, I want to stop. I’m living sexually pure in that I have in that I haven’t had sex since my last relationship ended about 8 to 9 years ago.
Sex was created by God as a covenant between two people when they were married. Masturbation cause thoughts and actions of sexual satisfaction. Lust is a sin. It’s a selfish desire; to satisfy physical needs. It’s temporary gratification. It’s often a selfish act done alone when sex was created for intimacy for two people.
I don’t want to be sexually selfish.
And I no longer want to sin in this way.
What can I do to help myself when I am tempted?
I can pray for help in controlling my desires.
And focus on 1 Corinthians 10:13
““13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.””
I will be more mindful of the content I am consuming through TV, films and music and books.
It’s important to remember that if we are tempted by something that is sinful, it’s from the devil. And that God and Jesus are waiting patiently for us to ask for their help with whatever sin we are struggling with.
