Some Days Are Still Tough
One day a few weeks ago I was feeling undeniably triggered by some up and coming interactions I was needing to have. I may have been extra sensitive because of some changes going on at work, but either way, one day I ended up in tears. I was just so overwhelmed and unclear about what to do. So I cried. Then I journaled about what was coming up for me in those situations. I followed that up by texting a few friends who would help me at that moment and over the next few days on either side of one of the interactions I was dreading.
Some days I wake up and things are good. I'm happy, confident and feeling motivated while on others, I'm unmotivated, uninspired and so fed up with the current uncertainty. For over a decade I've been paying attention to my needs and taking things a day at a time, both practices have been undeniably helpful over the last twelve months. There isn't always any warning which mood I will be in in the morning which isn't helpful to anyone, least of all me. We've all had a difficult last twelve months, and I know that some have had it worse than I have. I still have my job, my home, my health, and my family and I have gone through the last year relatively unscathed compared to many others.
This is always a difficult time of year because I need to have three unavoidable interactions, all within a few weeks that are always extremely triggering for me. I could feel my anxiety bubbling up the week leading up to the first one and as I wasn't feeling very sociable I took a few steps back from participating in my church's zoom's that I'm often a part of. I didn't even lead the Lectio ones that I have been doing some Thursday evenings over the last few months.
My sleep has also got worse; I was struggling to get to sleep, to stay asleep and I was waking up early. Definite signs that I'm struggling with my mental health are; disrupted sleep and avoiding things that I would usually join in with. I also tend to eat more treat foods than I should and definitely in larger portions than are suggested.
On Monday morning I had woke from a nightmare that had my ex in it and that then set off my anxiety for the rest of this week. I was still avoiding things, distracting myself, chewing more gum, and I even started colouring in an adult colouring book that I'd had for a while after a friend recommended to me to get one. I know that my anxiety is most likely in response to a huge change within work, that is coming up in a couple of months. One that is out of my control and that I don't have an answer for at the moment, that situation is then feeding into other ones in my life, making me think that they're all worse than they actually are.
It's awesome that I have an amazing community of friends around me to support me during times like these although it's something that I'm still getting used to as I'm not used to it. They always check in on me when I don't join in with the Zoom's that I usually do and I'm so grateful that I'm able to start seeing some of my church family in person again at church because that really helps me and gives me something else to look forward to during the week.
Last week was a good week after a difficult week and this is another week that is a struggle for me. Some days are better than others and during the tough days and weeks, I know that they won't last and that one day or one week soon will be a better one. That I will spot the sunshine, sunrise or other amazing beauties from that day or week. It helps me to know that without rain you don't get a rainbow. All I can do is keep going and accomplishing what tasks I can and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
