May, Myself and I; Umbrella
I've fallen another day behind. Not that I think there is a falling behind with a self-chosen challenge. It's been a tough few weeks with things going on at work and this week while I've been off my anxiety has been overwhelming. It's been all I can to try and get through the days as best I can by working on lessening my symptoms. Today I'm feeling a bit better and I am more able to share things with you within these blog posts. Some times we need a bit of distance out the other side of things we're going through before we are able to share.
There are a few ways to shelter ourselves with umbrellas. The obvious ones are from the rain or even the sun, now I've not owned an umbrella for a while after my last one broke when it was a bit more blustery out than I thought. I was putting my umbrella up one day and a gust of wind came out of nowhere to blow it inside out and ultimately it broke a spoke in doing so. I could have easily replaced it from work, but I didn't really use it that often. I find it much easier to put a waterproof jacket on if it's raining out. Where I live is close-ish to the mouth of the river that runs through the town so the wind blows up the estuary.
It's easier to wear waterproof clothing than fighting with the brolly against the wind and rain here most of the time. Before I passed my driving test and got my car around five years ago I did a lot of my food shopping on my lunch in town so would need my hands to carry some shopping home, which if it's raining I need a free hand to hold the brolly. Not always possible depending on what I'd bought and as I live in one of the five wettest places in the UK, either an umbrella or a set of decent waterproofs are a must-have.
We shelter ourselves in other ways as well. We shelter ourselves from uncomfortable situations and people and things that trigger us. I've been using a metaphorical umbrella this week particularly as I've sheltered myself from people and the world. I'd intended to go to the cinema at least once and was thinking about a day trip to either Manchester or Liverpool this week as well. I didn't manage either. I did run some errands in town so that's something. Mostly my time has been sheltering from all the things.
Because the work situation is way out of my control I've not had any idea what's going to happen or how it will affect me short and long term. So I've been worrying about things that haven't even happened yet or may never happen. My heart has been pounding. My jaw has been clenched. My thoughts have been running away with me. My sleep hasn't been that good. I've let things slide a bit and not been doing simple tidying tasks at home. I've been thinking all the negative thoughts, untrue negative thoughts about how I don't have any friend and no one cares about me, no one loves me ... Now I'm almost through the other side of all this, I know those thoughts are most definitely not true. I hide away and avoid people and places which reinforce the negative thoughts.
All the things. Now I'm feeling a bit better; I've put my small mountain of laundry away, changed my bedding, done a load of washing and cleaned up a bit. All things that make a big difference. Ticking things off a task list makes me feel accomplished and therefore makes me feel better and more importantly makes me feel batter about myself. I'm trying adding something new into my morning routine; writing a gratitude list. Listing as many things that I can think of at that moment that I am grateful for. Then I write in my journal. I've only done it for the past two days but I think that it is helping. When I'm anxious I find that thinking of things that I'm grateful for is a bit of help to me.
Today will be filled with self-care and self-love as well as ticking a couple more things off my task list for the day.
