May, Myself and I; Eggs

Another day late post because I was struggling again with what to write about.  Could I maybe use eggs to describe myself?  A hard but brittle exterior depending on how you hold it and as with eggs I have a soft centre.  I have a caring side masked by a hard exterior where I hold people at arm's length until I know I can trust them or until they crack through the shell and get inside my circle of trust.

Then late yesterday and continuing this morning another theory has been ruminating ... 

I was in a ten-year relationship.  I am currently single. This year I was 43 years old.  I have no children.  I don't have anyone in my life as a possible love interest or even a possible like-interest.  It's been a while since I had a crush and even longer since a crush was reciprocated.  I don't currently see children of my own in my future.

I am grateful I never had children with my ex of ten years as it means I have no need to see him.  When I decided to walk away it was with the full knowledge that I would never need to have any further dealings with him.  Two things I am very grateful for.  The past few years I have resigned myself to the likelihood that I will never have children of my own.  I also may never have another relationship and end my days with no one special by my side.

Both of these thoughts often make me sad as I have a lot of love to give and when I care about someone I would do anything for them.  I do understand that while I've had a number of relationships over the last ten years none of the guys were right for me and I had a lot of work to do on healing myself from all that my ex put me through.  Compared to me ten years ago, now I am happier, healthier inside and out and a hell of a lot stronger.  I also like, love and respect myself now.  I don't think that I did all of those ten years ago.  Or if I did, I didn't do them as often or as well as I do now.  You have to love yourself before you can love another.

Don't think that I'm not open to the possibility of another love, I very much am!  I just don't see anything romantic happening in my distant or even in my near future as of yet.  I would very much like to love and be loved again.  To be loved as I deserve to be and as I never have as of yet. I am understandably scared to trust and love again, but I am defiantly not saying never.  

I'm also aware that although I am 43 I haven't as of yet gone through the menopause so there is also a chance I may have a child.  If it should happen I will no doubt be overjoyed but because of the current slim chance of this happening it's easier for me to think that it's not meant for me and I'm okay with that.  I never wanted children with my ex but that doesn't mean that I don't want them if the possibility is there with a future partner.

No one knows what the future holds, but at the moment, my eggs are resigned to being just mine until further notice.