Dating After Relationship Trauma
Am I Going to be Dating Any Time Soon?
Singleness Series Part Three
Thoughts on Dating as a New Believer
As this is the fourth blog in this series, if you’d like to catch up, click the links to read parts one, two, and three.
Over the last fifteen years, I've never known what I wanted from my next relationship, but I have had a long list of what I didn't want to have. I realised recently that’s the wrong way to go about it, and I should be paying more attention to what I DO want.
Basically, all the opposite of what I’m used to in my previous relationships.
By watching Earls Family Vlogs, Tia Bee Stokes and her husband Andy, Jess and Gabe, and Tori and Chad Masters interactions on their social media and YT channels, I’ve become more aware of how men should treat the woman they love.
They should respect them. Value them. Honour them. Encourage them. Build them up. Pray with them and for them. They want the best for them and look for ways to improve their lives. Showing and expressing their love. Help and not hinder. Be gentle, kind, loving and caring. Someone who leads their partner back to God and Jesus if they wander away from them.
After my last relationship ended around ten years ago, I felt a nudge that I needed to stay single and heal further from my abusive past. I clearly wasn’t as healed as I thought before entering that short-lived relationship, as it turned out that he also wasn't good for me.
I’d like my next partner to enjoy cooking as it's not something I like doing. I make simple and basic meals that don't take long to prepare, but I also often make the same meals for convenience.
I’ve done the love languages test three times over the last ten years, and these are my results;
2012
Words of affirmation - 8
Quality time - 7
Acts of service - 7
Receiving gifts - 5
Physical touch - 3
2021
Words of affirmation - 29%
physical touch - 26%
quality time - 16%
receiving gifts - 16%
acts of service - 13%
February 2022
Words of affirmation - 29%
Acts of service - 26%
Quality time - 19%
Physical touch - 16%
Receiving gifts - 10%
It’s interesting to see how they’ve changed over the years as I’ve healed mentally from my past, although words of affirmation has consistently been at the top. Most likely because I never had that growing up or in my past relationships. It’s the opposite of being told I’m not good enough, clever enough and that no one else would have me.
I’ve been single for over a decade, and I wonder if I’m too set in my ways because I’ve been single for so long. I know that a lot of my issues have to do with trust. I not only don't trust my judgment to know who to let get close to my heart. But I also don't trust anyone with it after what happened previously when I let people in.
I also believe I’m unloveable and don’t deserve love. If I was worthy, wouldn’t I have had that as a child, growing up and in my adult romantic relationships? It’s incredibly sad to think of that little girl feeling like no one loved her and that she was never good enough to be loved.
I’m in the middle. I'm in the waiting, which feels like I've been forgotten about in the wilderness. I’m in the in-between part. I’m being tempted and distracted by the enemy, but I’m trying to shift my focus back to Jesus to counteract that.
I want to skip to the last few pages of my life’s book to know the ending. And that’s not what life should be; wishing to get to the end before our time. God has lessons for us to learn, from where we are to where our story ends. Lessons about ourselves, others and God Himself and of patience, grace, trust and letting go of control, among many lessons.
Our journey is never linear, It wasn’t before I was a Christian, and it certainly isn’t since I became one! I don’t know the plan, and I don’t know the rest points along the way, but when I think about it, how boring would it be if I did?
Sometimes the path is covered with brush and foliage that needs to be removed so we can continue to move forward. That’s what the waiting seasons are—clearing the path ahead so we can move forward and into the next stage. Life is like a maze; we can’t see where we’ve been or what’s ahead, only where we are now.
I’ve been toying with the idea of joining a Christian dating website to practice dating as a Christian, and I maybe meet someone along the way. But I’m also in the middle of intensive therapy, so it may not be the best time to think about starting something new like that.
I need patience in God's timing, He knows His plan, and I don't. I need more patience and trust; those are two things I’ve begun to learn over the last year, more so than in my previous job. Patience in the waiting for a customer sometimes, and the trust that God will look after me as He leads me and guides me to help that customer find the right product for their needs.
Maybe that’s a reason for my career change in 2021. To learn here what I couldn't previously because the jobs are so different. There are many more quiet moments in this job = patience and trust that He knows what He’s doing and will provide customers for me to advise and serve. That His will, will be done to glorify His Kingdom.
I could do my last job blindfolded; I’d done it so long, but that’s not always good. We need to be challenged to grow, and we need to get out of our comfort zone so we can flourish. Comfort zones are good because they are just that; comfort, but we should never get too cosy here as they become a hindrance and unhealthy.
“If you love someone, if you think you could make them happy for the rest of your life together, then nothing should stop you. You should be prepared to take them as they are and deal with the consequences. Relationships aren’t neat and clean. They’re ugly and messy and they make no sense except to the two people in them. That’s what I think. If you truly love someone, you accept the circumstances; you don’t hide behind them. ”
It has been about ten years since my last relationship ended and about three or four years since my last date. I was on a dating app when a guy I was talking to agreed to meet me in a local coffee shop for a brew.
I have been on many dating apps on and off over the last fifteen years and have had no luck finding my forever person, either on or offline. I’ve not gone into each conversation with that in mind, just the thought of meeting and seeing where things go.
If I ever get to the meeting up with them part.
So many guys on those apps are either after one thing or prefer to chat and never meet up. How do you know if you click with someone if you never meet up with them?!
Anyway, I met up with this guy, and we chatted for a bit, and as we went our separate ways, he was all, “Let’s do this again.”
And then nothing.
crickets sound
What??
Yep, I was ghosted. And not for the first time, mind you. It’s happened many times over the years on dating apps, and I got a thick skin about it and reasoned that they weren’t for me and that it was their loss. However, that didn't initially make it any less painful and didn’t help me with my trust issues either. How can I trust a guy if they say one thing and then do the opposite?
If you’ve followed me on here or over on my Instagram for any length of time, you’ll no doubt be aware of how trust has kept coming up for me over the last few years since starting my journey as a new Christian in mid-2019. It’s always cropping up in bible verses, books I’m reading, and even devotionals.
Because my abusive ex so damaged my trust, God has been nagging me to start to trust Him. With everything. I've found it challenging to let go of situations and give them to Him because I still think I control the narrative. In fact, I control nowhere near as much as I’d like to think I do. We control such a small percentage of what we think we do. It reminds me of a quote from my friend;
“You may not be able to control the music that plays in your life. But you can choose how you dance to it.”
Things are going to happen in your life, good and bad, whether you want them to or not. How we react is our choice, and that’s what we CAN control, how we respond to things.
How did I react to getting ghosted? I dusted myself off, returned to the dating app, and chatted with more guys.
I can’t remember when I paused my account, and I don't recall if I deactivated it or just logged out of it. It's been so long now since I was on it. I don't even have the app on this phone, and I don't think I ever have had it on this one, which I’ve had for over two years.
God wanted me to learn to trust Him because I was trying to carry and control things that were never mine to carry or control. Because I could not control my life in the long-term relationship, when I left, I then overcompensated by trying to control everything.
God then comes along and, after finally getting my attention, asks me what the heck do I think I’m doing, holding on to things that I’m not meant to!
And over time, He helps me relinquish my hold and control of many things. And when I forget, which I am bound to do occasionally, trust again comes up, and I remember to give the situation to God.
Dating update
In February of 2023, I had a guy slide into my DM’s on Instagram, not the first and most likely not the last. “Hey dear. Hope you’re having a great day?”
Then a few hours later, a second one from him; “Because I don’t see any reason why you don’t wanna reply to my message.. It so uncool.”
What is uncool is that you message me at 00.10 am and then at 5.56 am and wonder why I’m not on my phone… I’m asleep!! That’s why I’m not replying.
I don’t usually reply to DM’s like this, but I was so annoyed at him that I messaged him back.
“I think it's uncool you’re surprised I want able to message you when it was midnight and 6 am my time when you messaged me.”
This then turned into an almost four-week-long daily messaging conversation.
There have been plenty of red flags, starting with him wanting to send me a flower on Valentine’s Day, which was only a few days after he first messaged me. I didn’t disclose my town or address, and I haven't mentioned anywhere I live online other than in Lancashire.
He claimed to be on active duty in Iraq, working as a specialist in the US Army dealing with the weapons coming in from the States, which is why he can have his phone on him.
He sent me a few voice messages sounding similar to a video on his page, but I knew he might not be who he said he is.
A few weeks into our conversation, he was absent for a few days, as an investigation allegedly kept him busy and, therefore, offline. If true, I understand. But, the old voice in my head can’t help but wonder if I was starting to be ghosted. I still wasn’t sure he was genuine. It’s so easy to make up a fake profile and pretend to be someone with an equally fake backstory. At that point, it was over 24 hours since I last heard from him, and that’s the longest since I’d not heard from him.
He’d been saying many positive things alongside some of those red flags. After his deployment in December, he wanted to visit me and asked me out within two weeks of chatting … He said he told his young daughter about me within a few weeks. What father would do that without having even met the person?! My previous boyfriend, who ditched me on a lie after a month, didn't introduce me to his kids right away, and he wanted to make sure it was real between us first. Look how that turned out.
This guy in my DM’s also asked about my moving to the States. Well, he alluded that I was moving there without even asking me. Excuse me? Do I have a say? I told him we would cross that bridge should it happen. He sent me photos of his alleged house in the States, which looked more like they were from a realtor’s website than someone's home. The rooms seemed very sparse, and no photos or artwork were on the walls.
I hate to say it, but the positive aspects of the experience convinced me I was falling for him. How could I feel so much for someone I haven't even met? I believed because I wanted to be loved, cared for, and looked after when I’m too tired to. I liked the idea that someone missed me and wanted the best for me, and encourage me.
Because I dared to trust again, I ended up getting hurt again. After he told me that he was different from the guys who’d hurt me, he turned out to be just like all the other guys I’d met over the years.
I hadn’t intended to keep chatting with him, but I hoped he’d be different, that he would surprise me and prove me wrong, but instead, he proved me right. My initial instinct about not trusting him was correct, reaffirming my belief that I’m unlovable and not worthy of love. And that no man can be trusted.
I went against all I’d thought about in replying, but it turns out I was right to be sceptical.
He tried to scam me, and when I said I couldn’t do what he asked, he blocked me. Then a week or so later, he deleted the messages he’d sent asking me to buy virtual credits to enable him to do part of his job, as he could not due to an alleged issue with his bank. Gamers use the credits, so why would a US military member need them for his job? And why would a US military member be expected to buy things out of their own pocket so that they can do their job?!?!
Definitely dodgy.
By this point, there’d been so many red flags I was just waiting for the scam to come. It was still upsetting when it happened, as I wanted to believe that he was genuine.
Afterwards, I kept waiting for him to message me to tell me someone had gotten hold of his phone on base. But that never happened. He asked me to get the credits for him within a day of him saying that he was having to go on a big mission and wouldn't be able to contact me for a while. Well, that’s mightily convenient! Going on a mission, scamming me, and then ghosting me either way. At least this way, I’m not out of pocket!
One thing that hurt the most was that he kept saying that I needed to trust him, that I could trust him, and that he wasn’t like the guys who’d messed around with my heart in the past. Then he ended up being just like them, reaffirming, for a while, my belief that all guys are bad and unkind.
So, I’ve gone back to ignoring the suspected scammers in my Instagram DM’s and shifting my focus back onto healing my mental health and spending time with God instead.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I don’t know what positive attributes I need to look for in a potential partner. Until I can figure that out, I will stay single unless Him upstairs has other plans and sends someone into my life to show me how I'm meant to be loved and how He made me to be loved.
But I don’t know if God plans for me to be with someone or whether He has me staying single. Sometimes, it would be really nice to have a few clues God, just saying.
There’s a reason for this season.
There’s a lesson in the waiting.
He will reveal all in His timing.
In the meantime, I need to continue growing in my faith by focusing on Jesus and getting to know Him better, learning to trust Him by spending time in His word, praying and worshipping Him.
