Starting Over

I was conditioned to believe that no one else except my ex would love me, no one else would have me and that he was doing me a favour by being with me.  After about nine years I changed jobs and met a colleague who helped me to see that my now ex wasn't a nice man and that I wasn't in a healthy relationship. After about ten months of almost daily chats and advice, I was starting to question what I'd been told by the man I loved and who I believed loved me.  

For many months I had thoughts about how I could get everything I owned out of the house that I shared with him.  Then one night I had a different thought that made me stop in my tracks and not be able to sleep that night.  This new thought was 'what do I need to start again?'

Wow.

I couldn't sleep that night because I was wondering where the thought had come from, why now but also; what did I need to start again? Over the next four to five months I kept coming back to this new thought and wrestled with the further thoughts of where would I go, who would have me, what would I do, would he come after me...

One morning I suddenly wondered what the heck I was doing there being with him.  I decided that I would rather be unhappy and on my own rather than being unhappy and with someone.  I wasn't happy being with him so why stay?  And my mum will always find room for me, as parents always do what they can for their children.

So that Tuesday morning I packed a small rucksack with a few things and never looked back.  I did have one meeting with my ex a few weeks after packing this small bag, but it made me realise that I had nothing left to give him.  I was an empty shell because he'd taken so much from me but not given anything back in return. He held my hand at one point during that meeting but it felt so wrong to me and I never wanted him touching me again.  He was full of promises about how he'd change, how he'd seen all that I did in the relationship and for him and us and how sorry he was ...  all things that I had heard many times before.

This time I was different.  I had been away from him for only a few weeks but already I could see how much better my life could be and would be without him in it.  It was so scary walking away from all I'd known for almost ten years into the unknown and the thought of being on my own for the first time.  But I definitely don't regret walking away.

These last ten years since walking away from him haven't quite played out how I thought that they would.  I assumed I'd be in a new relationship within a few years and all would be awesome, I have had a couple of relationships in that time but nothing has lasted.  I think I had too much work to do to heal myself and make myself whole again after being so deconstructed by my ex.  He was jealous, manipulative and controlling.  

I've had to learn to stand alone, to support myself, stand up for myself as well as learn who I am now but the main thing is to love myself.  That's the big one.  I had to replenish my well, so I could love not only myself but others also, to rebuild myself from the inside out into a person again.

Over the last ten years, I've had counselling, a round of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy every few years so a handful overall and I've also been on antidepressants twice.  It's difficult to ask for help but it is so worth it, we can only manage on our own for so long and then it's very much okay to ask for help and say that you're unable to cope alone.

My first point of call was my doctor who referred me to the mental health team and after they'd assessed me and diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, put me on the waiting list for counselling or CBT, whichever they deemed more relevant.  Counselling explores your past whereas CBT looks at you now and gives you tools to understand you, your world and your situation better so your more able to deal with things on a day to day basis when they arise.

While I was waiting for my initial counselling session, I looked online for help as well as getting books off amazon. I wanted to understand what I had to help heal myself.  There was a minimum of five months to wait in-between being diagnosed and there is a councillor free to meet with me.  I couldn't wait that long, so I did what I had to do to find out ways that I could help myself before I got professional help.

It's very scary at first to ask for help and then to slowly peel back the layers and its a lot of work to unpick horrible things that happened to you, but it is so worth it.  It's taken me so much longer to get to where I am today, but I'm happier, healthier and stronger mentally than I have ever been.  It's so rewarding when you help to heal yourself and it gets easier to ask for help each time.

I still have work to do, my trust issues are understandably still a work in progress and as long and as difficult as it was, I wouldn't change the long meandering roller coaster path I've been on the last eleven years for a shortcut for anything.