My Journey Part One
I thought it was time to tell you all a bit more about my story as I don't think that I have talked about it in its entirety. I have mentioned bits here and there but I've not written my mental health journey on here from start until now. I can see that I'm getting lots of people reading my blogs now so I wanted to let you all know my story a bit more.
** I am a domestic abuse victim and I will touch on parts of my past with my ex, so if any of you reading this and are likely to be triggered by anything related to domestic violence, please don't continue to read this post. Do what's good and right for you. **
In 2008 I walked away from a ten-year relationship with a man who was abusive to me. He was jealous, controlling and manipulative. It all happened gradually over our time together, he slowly stopped me from seeing any of my friends and even my family except for things like birthday's and Christmas'. I ended up doing everything; cooking, cleaning and food shopping although I never managed to do things right according to him.
For most of the ten years, my ex was out of work so I was working as well as going to University for the first few years of our relationship. Once I graduated, I then worked more hours while my ex played computer games and hung out with his friends. I was expected to come home from a day at work or Uni and cook tea. Most times I would need to wash up from breakfast though as he'd not done any of that.
In 2007 I started a new retail job with a new company and met a colleague; S who over a year helped me see that the relationship I was in wasn't a healthy one and that I deserved so much better than the man I was with. Over that year I started to have thoughts of 'How can I get everything I own out of the house that I share with my boyfriend?'
One night, almost a year after starting this new job while I was trying to get to sleep, a new thought popped into my head; 'What do I need to start again?' That stopped me in my tracks. It was such a new concept that I could leave only with essentials and not all the things I owned that I only got a few hours sleep that night. Over the next three or four months, I kept coming back to this new thought and I also started to think of the possibility of where would I go?
For a while, I had been falling asleep led on the sofa in an evening while my ex played online poker and had something he wanted to watch on the TV, even though he wasn't really watching it. Then, I started to pretend to fall asleep as over the three or four months my thoughts were going round in circles of; where would I go, who else would have me if I'm so crap at everything (my ex making me believe that he was doing me a favour by being with me), what do I need to start again, when could I leave, how would I leave ...
Then I remembered my colleague at work telling me if ever I needed a place to stay, that I could stay with her and her boyfriend. That gave me an option that I had never considered before. Now, in hindsight I know that my mum would have always had me back at the family home, my room still being as I'd left it at 22 when I moved in with my ex, but knowing I had at least one place to go was really helpful to me at that time.
When it finally happened, when I finally managed to leave, it all happened really suddenly. It was a Tuesday, I'd had a few days off work and my ex had had a few days off as well as he'd actually had a job for a couple of years by this point. I'd got up to feed the cat we'd got because he wanted one (even though I'm allergic), I also made us each a brew each and I took them back up to bed. He never said thank you or good morning, nothing.
Then he got up and went downstairs and left the house without telling me where he was going. Great. WTF? I was texting with a friend about this and they asked me what I wanted to do and then my truth came out. I wanted to leave. Right then. Right, that minute. I was asking myself WTF was I doing there when someone I care about and who is supposed to care about me can't even say one word to me during the first hour or so when we take up.
So I packed a small rucksack with a few essentials and headed into town to see my colleague at work to ask if I could stay with her for a bit. She was happy for me too but as it was only 10 am and she was at work all day I had to hang around until 6 pm. My other colleagues were awesome, they never asked me what I was doing there as they'd asked S who said that I was staying at hers and that all understood. Everyone knew how I was in an unhealthy relationship, so they gave me space and gave me tasks to do like making some staff notices up on Word. I don't think I managed to do anything really, but it gave me something to focus on while I waited.
At some point in the late afternoon, about 2 or 3 pm my ex phoned me to ask where I was. He'd been to his friend's garage to fix the car and was thinking we could go up to the Lake District that afternoon. It takes about an hour to get to the south lakes from where we were living and so we wouldn't get much time there at all before we'd have to come home. I told him I was staying at S's that night and that I needed some time and space to sort some things out.
S asked me if I'd told my mum what was going on that day and as I hadn't, she thought I should. As soon and I spoke to my mum, I needed her and wanted to go home to hers. S was supportive if that and so I then went home to my mum. At some point that afternoon or evening my ex phoned my mum to speak to her and told some lies about S to my mum. My mum knows me and trusts me and didn't believe what he was telling her as she also knew the relationship I had was him wasn't a healthy one.
So there's the first part of the story of my mental health and how I got to where I am today. I will post the next part in a few weeks.
