May, Myself and I; Curtains

I may appear outwardly to be okay, but this is the thing with an invisible illness.  I'm very good at hiding it from people with a curtain of smoke and mirrors.  I put on a brave face, I laugh and joke, I smile and look like all is good.  But if you were to be allowed behind the curtain, you would see a whole different me.

The me who struggles to get out of bed some days, the me who regularly can't find a reason to laugh or smile, the me who often doubts my skills and worth.  The me who thinks that I don't have any friends, the me who wonders if I'll ever find love again, the me who goes to bed early some nights just so the day is over and in the hope that tomorrow might be just a little bit better.

I've got quite good at hiding my bad days behind a curtain, shielding my full truth from view.

Last week while I was off work just taking some holiday days and having a rest, I was really struggling with my anxiety.  I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, that the worst things I was thinking were going to come true, that I was crap at everything.  How I cope initially when this happens is I hideaway and I try to understand what's going on, where are the thoughts coming from, what things can I do that will help me and so last week I hid behind metaphorical curtains.  

I never contacted friends who would help me until yesterday when I told a close friend about what was going on.  I always find it really difficult to articulate what's happening to me and whats going on in my head when I'm at the bottom of a dip. All the thoughts and feelings are swimming around in my head and I flail about trying to catch hold of one to unpick it and see how I can make myself better by asking if it's true and how likely is it that the worst-case scenarios will actually happen.

I've dealt with a lot in the last fifteen years and come through it all stronger and more capable than I ever thought I was.  So I know deep down that whatever is put in my path I will deal with and overcome, but it really doesn't feel that way when I'm hiding myself away while trying too figure out what's happening.

I know that I should probably talk to someone sooner like while I'm still in the dip rather than when I'm on my way out of it.  But when I'm in a dip, all my worst thoughts and feelings are suddenly amplified tenfold and so when I think that my friends don't care that much about me, that becomes that they don't like me at all and I'll just be a burden to them if I try to talk to them about what's going on in my head and heart.

Once I'm out the other side I know the thoughts about being a burden are crap and my friends always say I should have said something sooner.  If you have a friend who's struggling, try and ask them how they are doing, especially if they seem to fall off the grid for a while.