Making Friends as an Adult - Part 2

As you can see from the title, this is part two of a post that I wrote in January of this year. If you haven't read that one or you would like a refresher of what I talked about, you can head on over here to read that one. Over the past few weeks since publishing that post, I have had additional thoughts about the subject of making friends as an adult, that I wanted to voice.

I have managed to make friends here and there over the last fourteen years, through work and I also made one by chatting to a sales assistant in one of my most frequented shops. I was explaining to her while I was shopping, that I was buying myself some new matching sets of underwear because I deserved it for myself after recently leaving an abusive relationship. We also bonded over our love of P!nk. We helped each other over the next few years as we were both navigating our past traumas, and through her, I met other friends, but we've not all kept in touch, which I know is part of life. I then met one of my best friends at work and we have helped each other in innumerable ways over the almost decade that we have known each other.

I know that it's not helped that my ex made me believe that I had so little value that no one liked me and that I didn't deserve any friends. He slowly stopped me from seeing the few friends that I did have in the early years while we were together that I feel so out of the practice of meeting people. My trust has been so damaged by him that I also don't know who I can trust. And as I said in the previous blog about making friends as an adult, it's difficult slotting into peoples lives when they're already established in relationships and or with families and there's only me in my life. What do we have in common? Would I understand their lives? Would I accept their constraints and commitments to their partners and family? Well, yes, yes, yes and yes.

I will admit that I have occasionally found it difficult when they aren't available because they have more important things going on, but it's okay, I accept that. Even pre-covid, I missed catching up with, hanging out with and putting our worlds to right, with some of the friends that I've made over the last ten years. I do know though that when we can meet up again because we will, it will be as if no time has passed. Aren't those the best friendships? The ones where you can dip in and out of each other's lives as if no time has elapsed at all.

One thing that my work bestie has said to me a number of times over the years is to look at what my interests are and then to look into groups or clubs around those. I found this very difficult though as I used to have interests my ex made me feel like I didn't need any of them due to my being with him. He was also so disparaging about almost anything that I did that I stopped being interested in what used to light me up.

Over the last ten years or so, I did look at joining clubs and groups on and off, but nothing worked out. I didn't gel with the people at a local book club that I went to a couple of times, and the days and times of local art groups weren't convenient for me. A few years ago I started yoga at a local gym until my shop's new closing hours meant that I couldn't go anymore and by the time that our hours had changed again, the class was no longer available. I didn't meet any new friends at either the book club or at yoga.

For the majority of the last thirteen years, many of my friends have also been my work colleagues. Then in January of last year, I joined a local church and some of the people there have now become genuinely great friends. I now have a community of people outside of work that I can count on and it's been so long since I've had that. It's taken thirteen years to get to this point, and it feels great! It's still not been easy to let people in though. I'm so used to being guarded and keeping people at arm's length that I'm still learning what it's like to have so many people care for me as they do.

The last twelve months have been the strangest in many ways, but I feel that I got to know my church friends so much more during the lockdown's, and over the Bible and Lectio Zoom group's that they have run. Compared to the five minutes here and there before and after the in-person services we once had. Does anyone remember those? Of course, we would have longer than five minutes before and after the services, but we'd have a handful of say, five-minute chats with a couple of people before and after, which were only enough to have a quick check-in and not really get to know each other reasonably well.

With our school's going back on March 8th, things are starting to open back up slowly over here in the UK after this third national lockdown. So optimistically if the numbers stay down and people adhere to the government's guidelines, then hopefully, we will be able to meet up in larger groups and resume services in places of worship. The government haven't stopped church's from opening, but mine has decided to temporarily suspend in-person services and just keep things online during this lockdown as we are in one of the highest affected places.

For this third lockdown duration, my church has had an appointment system for meeting up with a pastor or with someone from the leadership team for socially distanced pastoral care or an in-person catch-up, if it is needed. I've used this service once and met up with a pastor and his wife a few weeks ago and have helped out at the monthly food market for the local vulnerable community for the past two months. I used it again this past Thursday to meet up with another of the pastor's and their wife after she reached out to me.

It will be so good when we can all meet up again and as a 'huggy' church, we are looking forward to the day that we can celebrate with numerous hugs and cake. I am also undeniably looking forward to when I can visit my mum again. She has had her first jab in early February and my brother had his first one this past weekend. As a family, we are following the guidelines that the government and NHS are recommending so that mum is kept as safe as possible. It has been over a year since I have seen both her and my brother so it will be so special when we can meet up once again.