Making Friends as an Adult

As a kid I wasn't the most outgoing, I was shy and quiet. I had a few friends but as I moved around a lot due to my dad being in the army, we never managed to stay in touch. These was the days before the Internet, social media and mobile phones. To stay in touch we had to write letters or *gasp shock* call people and actually speak to the other person at the end of the phone line! I mean. The horror!!!

I've always found it difficult to form lasting friendships. I'm not in touch with anyone from any of my schools, abroad or back here in there the UK. I'm not really in touch with anyone I was at college with or even the uni I went to. With moving around a lot as a kid I don't think I ever learned to make lasting friendships so I don't think that helps me.

In art college, I went out a couple of times a week with my classmates which would entail phoning around everyone to see what we all fancied doing that coming weekend, and who was able to make it. One day I realised it always seemed to be me doing the calling and organising so one weekend I tried an experiment. I didn't call anyone and I found out that no one called me. That was ok. I was expecting that result.

Why is making friendships in adulthood so difficult?

Or is it just me?

As an adult, I've fount that it's difficult to slot into peoples lives that are already full of family, friends and current obligations.

I'm aware that I have trust issues from my ex who for the 10 years we were together was jealous, controlling and manipulative and stopped me seeing anyone I knew. I wasn't even allowed to go to work Christmas meals ...

I have had friends over the years but most I have slipped out of touch with as their lives moved on and mine remained somewhat stagnant. My current longest friendship where I see, hang out with and speak to them regularly is about 8 years. I do occasionally see another friend I worked with 20 years ago and we're in touch on social media as well so are up to date with each other's lives, to an extent.

It wasn't until January last year when I joined my church that I felt truly welcomed with open arms by a group of people. This was pre-covid and we could hug people then. Who remembers those days! I finally felt part of a close community that had been missing in my life but I didn't know it.

It's still difficult for me to understand and accept that they're really pleased I walked into their church on the first Sunday in 2020. My old beliefs keep cropping up and tell me that they don't really want me there. That I don't have anything to contribute.

I need to keep reminding myself that they DO want me there. That I DO have things to contribute. That I'm a valued member of the community there. They haven't given me any signs that they don't want me there. If I miss bible group zoom one week, they always check in on me to see how I am.

They have lent me books and given my gifts, just because. I am truly blessed to call them friends and my church family.