It's ok if you're not where you thought you would be

This is part two of a previous blog 'Are we Failing if we Don’t Live up to Society's Expectations?' uploaded a couple of months ago. I've been ruminating on it more since that post was uploaded, and after having some more conversations with a few friends on this subject in the intervening weeks between then and now, I have more thoughts to share on this subject.

On Saturday, April 17 Tori and Chad Masters answered a question on their podcast The Messy Masterpiece Podcast from one of their followers had asked about living up to society's expectations at 20 years of age. Tori and Chad ended by saying that we should feel valued and loved where we are even if it's not where society expects us to be.

Instead of looking at other people’s lives, we need to focus on our own and keep our eyes on our own path, although I know it’s a lot more difficult these days with social media. Remember, we don’t know other people’s full stories, however much they may share online, and everyone’s story and journey to how they got to where they are are all different. So why do we keep on comparing ourselves to other people?

Is it a fear of missing out on something? Is it jealousy?

I'm so far from society's expectations of where I should be and also my own expectations after leaving my abusive boyfriend 13 years ago. A while after I walked away from him, I thought I'd be in another relationship within a few years and it would be a healthier one. Whereas in reality, I'm single, renting my home and living with a housemate at 45. I have to remember to give myself grace as I've had a lot to unpack over those 13 years. Also, we’re only a generation away from when people left school, they then got married and a mortgage before starting a family. That society 'norm' from the '50s and '60s isn't relevant in today's society, but yet it's what we're all still held up against.

When I was with my ex, I remember that after a few years, people started to ask about when we were going to have children. It was never something that we discussed and in hindsight, I’m grateful that we never did have any children together as it made it so much easier to leave when I did make that break from him. It also means that I’ve never had to regularly see him drop off or collect any children. It was less complicated to not go back to him once I’d decided that I was better off out of that relationship.

Recently I read or heard someone say that the only thing that we should be comparing ourselves against is our past selves. Meaning; how have we grown and improved in the last few years etc. I’ve done this a lot over the last 13 years as I’ve worked on healing from my trauma but I still occasionally find that I’m also comparing myself to my peers. However, I’ve got better at not doing this over this last year, but I do still wonder if I will ever meet someone to spend my life with.

I’ve been intentionally single now for about seven years I think it is since my last relationship ended. It wasn’t a long relationship but it was with someone that I had known for many years. I believe that he was lying to me for part of the relationship due to something that happened a few months later, but things also felt a bit off while we were together. I decided then that I wasn’t going to get into another relationship until I’d healed whatever needed fixing within me as I still seemed to pick guys who ended up hurting me.

Within those intervening years I was on and off dating apps, but nothing happened and I’m actually totally okay with that. I don’t need a man to complete me as I’m complete as I am now that I’ve healed from my past. A partner is meant to complement us, not complete us. If we work on improving ourselves and keep growing into our faith and truths then we are complete.

complement

verb

contribute extra features to (someone or something) in such a way as to improve or emphasize their qualities.

Yesterday I got to watch two of my friends from church get married after a longer engagement than they’d planned due to covid over the last year. I was invited to the virtual wedding and it was such a beautiful ceremony. Afterwards, I found that I was distracting myself by catching up on tv shows that I had missed this last week, instead of doing anything productive like putting the washer on, finishing this blog post and getting it scheduled ready for today or looking at getting my car sorted as it currently has two slow punctures after driving over some glass last Sunday.

I think that their wedding reminded me that I’m still single and even though I made that decision as I needed to do more work on myself, it also reminded me that I’m 45 and I don’t have anyone to complement me. I’m not even close to that. It’s making me struggle today with self-doubt at work as well. I’m five weeks into the twelve-week training and I’m worried that I’m not good enough to pass it. I’ve never sold products in a way where I have my own individual targets that work towards the store’s ones.

Today I’m really doubting my skills and worth there. The assistant manager has told me a couple of times that in the three weeks that I’ve been selling, I’ve done more and better than a previous staff member who left last year. But because I’m struggling with feeling alone and unloved, the devil is finding it easier to attack me and plant seeds in my mind that I’m not good enough at work.

Not being good enough is a thing that I have struggled with for my whole life.

I chose to be single to heal myself and so that I would be stronger and I am the strongest that I have ever been. If it’s meant for me, it will happen and if it doesn’t that is also okay. I need to remember to give myself grace and that my path has been very different to my friends who got married yesterday. I have God and Jesus beside me leading and guiding and me every step of the way. I am always right where I am meant to be.