And Looking Forward to 2023

“There is need of only one thing.  Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:42 

New Revised Standard Version

Hello, and welcome to the fifth episode of The Better Part podcast with me, Carol. 

As I sit and record this, it is early evening on New Year's Eve of 2022, and it's just starting to rain outside.  I have the Christmas tree and garland lights above the mantle piece on.  

I didn't decorate as much as I usually do this year, and I only decorated for Christmas the week before it, which is late for me.  The living room is generally decked out from around December 1st, depending on when my days off are around then.

I just wasn't feeling it and wasn't up to it this year.  If you follow me on my Instagram rather than the one for the podcast, you will know that back at the end of November; I shared that I would be taking a break because I’d had my worst day regarding my mental health.

Consequently, it's been a while since I last uploaded a podcast, and this one has been being worked on for the last few months. Thank you all for your support and patience over the previous few months.  I didn’t mean to leave you all hanging for three months for another episode!

So, without further ado, in this episode, I will recap what I’ve learned from God during my quiet time in 2022.

I spend the month of January, if not some or all of February, in a state of reflection on the previous year. 

The first subject I'm going to talk about is; work

I've been doubting my worth at work and wondering if I am good enough for my job.  Was it really designed for me by God as I've thought since last year?  Or should I be doing something else, and what should that be?

I spoke with a mentor who said reminded me that I needed to shift my focus.  I go down the negative path when I have myself as the primary focus.  So I need to re-focus on God instead.  

My mentor asked me what prayers I needed, but I didn’t know what I needed because they’ve never mattered to anybody. But I know they matter to God. Is that the lesson? To begin to learn my needs and then start asking Him for them.

Another mentor sent me a song just as I was journaling about the above, without knowing what I was going through.  The song was ‘Whatever May Come’* by Jeremy Camp, and the lyrics were PERFECT for me at that moment.  

“Whatever I face

Whatever the fear

Whatever the cost

You always draw near

Whatever the pain

Whatever may come

Whatever may fall

Your love overcomes

Your love overcomes.”

I’ve been dipping mentally from work struggles of not hitting targets and consequently being on a plan for additional help.  

This made me spiral with my thoughts, but I wasn’t good enough or clever enough, which I’ve battled for many years.

After the meeting with the manager to review the previous months, I recently distracted myself on a day off, which can sometimes be beneficial, and other times it is more of a hindrance.

I feel afraid I will lose my job because I don’t think I’m good enough. I feel hopeless, overwhelmed, worried, inadequate, inferior, worthless and insignificant. 

I’m so used to burying my feelings, thoughts and emotions because it’s impossible to deal with them when I’m at work 4 to 5 days a week.

I’m so fed up with fighting. I want it to be done, and I want it to be gone. I don’t want to be like this anymore. But I don’t know what to do. It’s more difficult in this job to go to work and pretend I’m not falling apart when I’m with a customer.

I’m just so tired of fighting the same battles. Well, that’s because I’m still doing the same things.

It just feels that the attacks are relentless from the enemy.

I’m using social media tasks for distractions from things I don’t understand and don’t know how to fix. Working on my Instagram takes up most of my week to avoid addressing what needs to be addressed.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not be anxious about your life. He plans for welfare, not evil, to give me a future. I am precious and honoured and loved, and I am made in God’s image.

There is a reason why I’m in this job; God doesn't make mistakes.  Everything He does has a purpose.  

I need to start a positive journal for when I'm at work.  To list when things go well for me and all my successes.  It will help me to focus on the good more.  It’s something that I began soon after I was diagnosed with depression after leaving my ex, and I found that it helped me a lot.  

In October, I started looking for a new job.

I've applied for a few jobs and had three interviews in the last few months, but I wasn’t successful in any of them.  

The last interview I had was the one that upset me the most because the person who called me to give me feedback about why I hadn't been successful really upset me, and it made me feel like I’m useless, stupid, and worthless.  

A mentor reminded me that the call says more about the person delivering the feedback and that they have the inability to be sensitive to someone else.  

It’s important to remember that some things don't always go to plan, but that's okay because it's His plan, not mine, that matters.

My plan was for an easier job than my current one, which I am more capable of doing.  God’s plan is a job that challenges me and helps me grow into who He always knew I was.  

I want to get back into my comfort zone, but God is like, nope, that’s not for you; you’re so much better than that.  He’s trying to show me who He created me to be and my existing skills and capabilities.  

I've been looking at jobs that match my skills and abilities, but I never heard back from some and didn't get any of the three jobs I interviewed for.  

Maybe the job I'm in is like shock treatment therapy.  From one extreme to another, where I was so far in my comfort zone in my last position, I had no idea that another way existed.  Now, I can't even see my comfort zone!

It’s definitely been an adjustment and one that I'm still working through.

Now we move on to trust.

The song ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong keeps popping into my head and has been for most of this last year. My Church sang it a few months ago, and since then, it's been persistently popping into my head. It has me in tears every single time. 

It’s about Peter stepping out onto the water with Jesus, trusting Him, and believing in our abilities. I think it’s about total trust in God and trusting in God to lead me and look after me.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.”

It’s come back to trust, a running and recurring theme these past few years.

How do I learn to trust God completely? How do I let go of something I am so used to trying to hold onto but am numb to its pain?

Numbers 23:19

“God is not a man, so he does not lie.

He is not human, so he does not change his mind.

Has he ever spoken and failed to act?

Has he ever promised and not carried it through?”

God can’t lie, but because we are humans and we lie, we think that he also lies, so we need to believe and trust in Him. God is unchanging. I need to believe in my ability to do something while trusting God.

Now I have to figure out how to believe in my abilities and believe in Him, and trust Him in everything, including my work situations.

Thoughts of faking it till you make it and mind over matter, regarding my confidence at work, helped me until I forgot to do it.  When I get overwhelmed, I forget all my learned tips and go into self-preservation mode. 

On my prayer walk to work, I give the day over to God, but by the time I’m at work, I’ve realised that I’m holding onto things that aren’t mine.  I SAY I'm handing things over to God, but then I never seem to be able to prize my fingers off them as soon as I walk through the door to work.  

A few months ago, I had a day in work on my own, and I ALWAYS build it up to be so much more than it ends up being.  It’s not like when the manager was off for two weeks on holiday and then off sick with covid the following week, and I’m the most senior staff member.  He’s in the next day if there are any issues I cannot deal with.  Besides, I AM capable, or my manager wouldn't schedule me for a lone working shift.  

My housemate and his girlfriend were home on two weekends in a row, and they ended up bookending a lousy week at work for me, which included a negative/very frank month review, so I was already at a low point.  The second weekend I was so overwhelmed because I couldn't completely relax and switch off as I do when he is away.

I know they are allowed to be here, but I missed the solitude I needed to debrief from the lousy work week, which upset my routines.

The more upsets and upheavals, the more I tend to hold on to things I'm not meant to; because I can’t control Y, I try to control something else I’m not supposed to try and control.

I miss the days when I would spend all day journaling and digging into my thoughts and whatever was going on with me.  I did that recently, but I think I need to do it more, and maybe that's what I can do on my Sabbaths as we advance into this coming year.

To journal with a brew, burn incense, read and study God’s word, and pray.  Listen to worship music, and give the situation/s I'm struggling with over to god.  As many times as I need to.

I am special to him—His beloved child, who he loves unconditionally. I’ve never felt that in so long that I’m scared, and I've been hurt each time I’ve truly loved, so I’m resistant and reluctant to trust him. 

He knows this and understands me, and His patience is astounding. He will wait forever for me to be able to trust him.

Trust again coming up. I won’t move forward in life until I can trust him completely.

That’s why it keeps coming up these past few years. God knows what I struggle with most and what’s holding me back.

Once I finally trust him, I expect he will bless me with what he’s been waiting to give me until I’m ready and truly receptive to it. Whatever it is.

Trust him = go to him first.

He is my foundation; 

Trust is a choice, not a feeling.

Numbers 23:19

“God is not a man, so he does not lie.

    He is not human, so he does not change his mind.

Has he ever spoken and failed to act?

    Has he ever promised and not carried it through?”

God is unchanging, and He doesn’t lie or scheme. He is the truth.

Belief in him = trust in him.

Belief in my own abilities and also trust in Him in that situation. This is what I’ve been trying to practice for the latter half of this year.

Trying to release my grip on what’s not mine to hold onto or control to let go and let God.

To let him do His will.

I’ve tried to put my life in his hands instead of mine because I was never meant to control it.  And trust him to manage my life.

I trusted people in the past, and they controlled my life. I struggle so much with trust and letting go of control. Once my life was mine again after I left my ex, I couldn’t trust anyone except myself to control my life, and my hands are still stuck, holding onto things they were never meant to hold onto so that my fingers are stuck in that position.

They are frozen in muscle memory.

I can’t remember how to let go of things and trust someone with my life.

Because it never turned out well for me when I did that in the past. That’s where the resistance is. I’ve been hurt so much when I previously trusted others, so I’ve never wanted to go back to where I was and who I was 14 years ago when I walked out on my ex. 

That’s why I’m so reluctant and struggling to trust God even though, on some level, I know He wants the best for me, and He is for me and not against me, but my grip is too tight to let go.

Next is control

At Church a few months ago, one of the songs we were singing made me cry, and I had an image of me looking up at the wall that I’ve put around me of control, and God had a hammer and chisel. He was peering at me over that wall, slowly chipping away at that wall of control I’d built.  It was SUCH a powerful image and had me in tears.  I felt seen and loved by Him so much at that moment.

A friend and mentor recently told me that my avoidance is a form of control.  What gifts might I miss when I avoid things and by CHOOSING to hang onto my control?  They sent me this poem.

Prayer by Henri Nouwen

“I so much want to be in control.

I want to be the master of my own destiny.

Still, I know that You are saying:

‘Let Me take you by the hand and lead you.

Accept My love, and trust that where I will bring you,

the deepest desires of your heart will be fulfilled.’

Lord, open my hands to receive Your gift of love.

Amen.”

Negative = the enemy

Positive = God and Jesus

I want to turn my anxiety into excitement.

Reframe - I’m not anxious to; I’m EXCITED!

I’m not anxious about _________. I’m excited about ___________.

I can't control the future, but I CAN control how I feel at this moment and my thoughts.

A lot of my anxiety and control are from practised and imaginary conversations I have in my head, and I most likely will never say to people.

This is something that I have been working hard to overcome because they don't help at all.  As soon as I find myself starting one, I shut it down.  

What are the meanings behind my thoughts, words and actions?  Where do they come from?  From a place of being hurt in the past and of self-preservation, from a need to be loved?

What CAN I control?

What is something that I can do something about?

Becoming a Christian

It’s been a more considerable adjustment than I thought it would, but I think it's because I’m unlearning all the secular ways and beliefs about myself and the world around me and how I’ve been treated by those that were meant to love and protect me.  

I feel so calm and loved when I spend my time doing devotionals and reading the Bible.  How can I carry that through my day, especially at work?  I can take my scripture notebook to work and have it in my bag for when I need it.

What are my priorities?

How do I want to spend my time?

What content do I want to consume?

What am I willing to give up?

God pursued me in 2019 to show me that I AM loved and DO matter.  

What does it mean to ‘take up your cross’?

Mark 8:34

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your way, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Submit.  Jesus submitted to those who wanted to kill him.  So I believe He was asking us to give up our old ways, belief and behaviours, submit to Him and follow Him.

Carrying our cross means being willing to face ridicule for following HIm, to carry our weaknesses, to sacrifice things, our old ways, beliefs and behaviours.

As a new believer, taking up my cross is one of those things that I have never fully understood.

Being a born-again Christian, I’m relearning everything.  I’m a baby in my Christian walk, so it's no wonder I’m struggling.  I’m learning so much but, at that same time, having to unlearn all that I thought was true about the world, others and myself.

Spending time with God

I’m not giving enough time after reading the devotional from Mornings With The Master's Podcast to sit in what I've learned.  I'm acting as if it is a task on my list that I need to tick off because I'm too easily distracted and end up checking Instagram.

The enemy doesn't want me in God’s word, so he distracts me with social media and my phone because he doesn't want me to spend time with God.  The enemy wants me distracted because I’m an easier and more susceptible target then, he is so used to running my life, and I'm so used to letting him.

When I’m trying to work on my mental health, I have no energy or inclination after a day at work or on my days off to do the hard work of going inward and exploring how I am feeling and what is going on with me.  Post work, I just want to veg and chill. And on my days off, I have other things to do and need to do, like my laundry and other adulting tasks. It is the enemy keeping me distracted and continuing to control me.

The devil has been so used to ruling my life in and out of work, keeping me in a place of lack and not wanting me to be close to God.

I didn’t know the tools from God to fight sin as the enemy hid them from me.  

What’s more important to me?  Spending time with God or mindlessly watching TV shows and scrolling social media?

Make time during the day for quiet time with God. 

I've been looking for more peace in my daily life for the past few months, and one way I'm finding it is not mindlessly watching things online; I've cancelled a few subscription services that I wasn't watching and, therefore, wasting money.

I was wasting time watching mindless things until I could go to bed and try and wake up in a better head space.  But true peace comes from Jesus.  He is my comforter, and He wants me to run to Him when I'm overwhelmed, anxious, worried etc, not turn to secular tv shows.  

So this year, I’ve been evaluating how I spend my time, looking at what fills and drains me.  I noticed that I was feeling very anxious while watching and after watching some of my favourite TV shows, so I wondered if it was time to stop watching them for a bit.  

I went through all my watch lists on Now TV, Netflix and Disney+ and deleted many things from them.  I deleted the drama shows and films, leaving the more wholesome ones on them.  There was nothing left for me to watch on Now TV, which I had so that I could watch Chicago Fire, Med and PD.  I deleted 9-1-1 and 9-1-1 Lone Star off Disney+.  I still have Netflix, although I wouldn't be surprised if I cancel it in the next few months.  

I’ve fewer TV shows to watch now that I’ve cancelled my subscription to Now TV, so I can spend that time with Him in prayer and reading His word.  I can also put worship music on instead of TV shows.

I’ve started to listen to worship music again as I get ready in the morning after my devotional time and while I journal, especially before work.  This past week I've listened to worship music while on my lunch break at work, and it helps get me out of my head.  

Mental health update

I’m cracked, not broken. God comes in through those cracks and is the light in the darkness.  

For decades I’ve been trying to fill in those cracks and paper over them, but it never holds.  I can't control the cracks; they keep coming and reforming.  

God uses these cracks to shine His light into those dark places I go to.

But I'm too busy trying to stop any more cracks from forming and fixing those existing ones that I miss the beauty of the light shining through.

I am so preoccupied with what I’m doing that I can't see that God is trying to reach me.  

I always thought I was broken and too damaged to be loved, but God loves me anyway. I’m still not used to being loved so unconditionally.

In my past relationships, love has always come with conditions. This person would love me if _________.  I don’t know how to be loved in a healthy way.

Growing up, I was taught that my needs don’t matter, I know my family did the best they could, but I’m always the bad person because I’m never good enough in their eyes.

People have formed an opinion of me and have continued to have that opinion of me.  They think and know what I am and who I am, and they are very wrong.

I had no say in defending myself in their opinions and beliefs about me because I was so young, and I didn’t know any different or better. They were supposed to love and protect me, and they never did.

People are always going to have an opinion of you.

They’re entitled to their opinions, and there’s no point arguing with them as it wastes time and energy.

It won’t change their opinion of you.

Our time and energy are best invested elsewhere.

I didn't get any of the Christian gifts of books or DVDs that I asked for, but I’m not surprised, and it's been like this for the last few years.  My family ignored the items that said they were a high or highest priority on my Amazon wish list and goth things that I’d not specified their importance.  

Their action reaffirms my belief that my needs don't matter because it would be a different story if it were the other way around!  I’d never hear the end of it if I didn't support them in their new and latest interest.  

We’re back to my family's belief of who they think I am and their need to try and control me.  

One Sunday morning in late November, I had an awful day where I couldn't find a way out of the mental pit I found myself in.  I self-referred for more mental health help. 

It's difficult to admit that I need more help, especially as I'm so used to trying to manage on my own.

I get anxious and negative when I’m overwhelmed, and I withdraw and go inward.

I overspend when I'm overwhelmed and anxious.  I think I do it to control something because my mental health is spiralling and to fill a void.  But that void can only be filled by God, and things in this world can't fulfil me. 

I would like to start asking myself, ‘is this feeling right in this situation? When I’m starting to feel anxious and overwhelmed.  I just need to rig up some sort of reminder!

My recent money worries made me shift my focus onto what is essential and realise that the things of this world can be taken from me.  

Another thing that I do when my mental health starts to dip is I begin to hoard ‘stuff’.  Things like empty tissue boxes, empty oil diffuser bottles and the packaging from online orders.  Why?  I think it's because one thing is causing my anxiety to rise, and I begin to feel overwhelmed because it's not under my control, so I try to control something else.  

I realised a few months ago that I’ve always needed stuff around me.

Even in the small box room at my mum‘s, there was always stuff on the floor and all the surfaces.  I always put it down to a small space and my being artistically creative, but what if it’s actually a way that I try and control something because I’ve always been controlled?

Wow.

I’ve always felt comfort in having stuff around me, but it’s still the same when I had larger rooms and needed to fill them with stuff to feel safe and comfortable.

The week of Christmas, I moved some apps around on my phone's home screen so I couldn't see Instagram, which was in the dock.  I also made the first page much clearer and less cluttered.   Four apps are at the top of the screen, and four are in the dock.   The dock now contains the YouVersion Bible app, a Christian radio station app, Apple Music and the Lectio 365 app.  I also changed the lock and home screen to a nativity scene I found on Google images.  

Looking forward to 2023

I saw somewhere recently about not setting resolutions or goals but creating daily habits instead.  I’ve not made resolutions for years; instead, I set goals I wanted to achieve in the upcoming year.   

I love the idea of habits because adding new habits into our daily routines will work towards goals.  Habits change our behaviours and actions.   It’s not enough to say what things we want to do; we also have to get specific with what steps to take to incorporate them into our days.    

For example, the 2023 habits that I want to form include, I want to meal prep for my work lunches again, and I want to get back into doing yoga exercises for flexibility and movement now that I’m not in as active a job.  I want to spend more time growing in my faith and spending more time with God and Jesus.

So what do I need to do to make these habits?

Meal prep my lunches; I need to plan my meals, buy the food, and prep and cook the food. 

I need to watch online sermons instead of TV and films to spend more time with God and grow my faith in God, as well as doing devotionals and reading and studying the Bible.  

Things to do instead of mindlessly watching TV and films are; I can do jigsaw puzzles while I listen to Christian radio or podcasts.

Ask yourself how do you want to spend your time in 2023.

How do you spend intentional time with God in 2023?

I'm still processing the last few years, as we all are.  So much has happened in our lives, individually and collectively.  And it always takes me the first couple of months of the new year to fully make sense of most of the previous year.  

Thank you all again for your support and patience over the last few months.  To those who have prayed for me and checked in on me, thank you, thank you, thank you.  

I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and all the best for 2023!