From Temptation to Trust

“There is need of only one thing.  Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:42 

New Revised Standard Version

Hello, and welcome to the fourth episode of The Better Part podcast with me, Carol. In this episode, I will share the struggles I’ve encountered since beginning my journey as a new Christian in the summer of 2019.

Temptation.  

In my pre-Christian life, I've had sex outside of marriage; I've had multiple sexual partners, all outside of marriage—the “looking for love in all the wrong places”.  I was expecting those men to show me the love I longed for.  But they weren't looking for love and were only after something else.  And I often gave it to them as I thought that was what I wanted and needed the connection I was looking for.  It was a connection, but it wasn't the connection I needed, or God wanted for me.  

I find myself masturbating when I feel lonely when I need ‘release’ or to help me get to sleep.  Recently I was trying to get to sleep but was frustrated because it was too hot to sleep.  We were in a heatwave here in the UK, which was very high 30’s°C, which is VERY hot for us.  We tend to average around the mid-’20s to the occasional low 30s.  

I thought I could have a play to relieve that frustration. But since I was baptised as an adult and washed away all of my past sins. I am made new, but I’m struggling to know my place. I can no longer act on certain desires as I used to do, as they are now considered a sin. 

It doesn't make me feel like it used to, so I’m working on stopping it.  It’s not as easy as I thought it would be because it's something I've done for many years.  Some old habits die hard.

When I’m tempted, I take a breath and ask God to help me with it, and He leads me to try and refocus my thoughts on Him, which is a struggle because the enemy tempts me to sin.

Eventually, I managed to shift my thoughts by praying for others as I usually do as I'm settling down to sleep, and the desire to gain relief died away and sleep soon came for me.  And by the morning, I’d forgotten all about the temptation the previous night.  

How much easier would it be if I just did the thing I originally wanted to do, no matter what I thought or felt about it afterwards?

But, I knew that giving in was the easy way out and what the enemy wanted me to do.  The last few times, or let's be REAL honest, probably for the previous few years, it's not had the desired effect on me.  It’s not pleasing to me, and it's not something I enjoy anymore.  So why do I STILL want to do it?

I act out of lust when I masturbate and think I lack something when I do it.  I have feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy enough, and not being pretty enough, all coming up repeatedly.  So I masturbate to feel something other than that lack.

But it doesn’t work, it’s a selfish act, and it’s sinful as it’s coming from those feelings of lust.  But I don’t know how to stop it because of the catalyst.  When trying to sleep, isn’t the time or place to start deep diving into why I’m doing what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, and where those feelings come from?  And ultimately try and brainstorm my way out of that place and those feelings.  Then by the morning, I’ve forgotten those feelings and thoughts, so I can’t do it then.  So it’s a continual cycle of never-ending shame.

Masturbation – yearning for something: connection, love, release and relief, but it no longer works, and I don’t get the desired effect. My heart was longing for God, but I gave everything but that – until a few years ago when things began to change after He began pursuing me.  I felt more whole inside and loved after becoming a believer, especially after I got baptised in November last year.

I know it may not necessarily matter whether I act on particular self-pleasure desires, but as I’m not getting what I used to do out of it, I want to stop. I’m living sexually pure in that I have in that I haven’t had sex since my last relationship ended about 8 to 9 years ago. 

Sex was created by God as a covenant between two people when they were married. Masturbation cause thoughts and actions of sexual satisfaction. Lust is a sin, and it’s a selfish desire; to satisfy physical needs. It’s temporary gratification. It’s often a selfish act done alone when sex was created for intimacy for two people.

I don’t want to be sexually selfish.

And I no longer want to sin in this way.

What can I do to help myself when I am tempted?

I can pray for help in controlling my desires.

And focus on 1 Corinthians 10:13

“13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful and will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so you can endure.”

New Living Translation

I will be more mindful of the content I consume through TV, films, music, and books.

It’s important to remember that if we are tempted by something sinful, it’s from the devil.  And that God and Jesus are waiting patiently for us to ask for their help with whatever sin we are struggling with.

After leaving my ex, I thought I would be in another relationship within a few years.  How wrong I was.  I wasn't entirely wrong, as I was in a few relationships, sleeping with a handful of guys and sexting with a different handful.  I did what non-believers do in their late teens and early twenties in my early thirties as I hadn't done it earlier. 

I can't help but be attracted to some guys I see and wonder if they're my person.  They never are, of course, because I'm attracted to them for all the wrong reasons.  I want them to help ‘fix’ me, and I guess I’m still in that societal mindset that they will complete me because that belief is ingrained in all of us non-believers.

I know that not all guys are the same, but l also don't trust my judgement, as the last two guys I thought were for me weren't and ended up hurting me.  I'm scared of opening my heart to someone and then stomping all over it because that’s happened before. 

I’ve noticed myself having feelings of jealousy towards women who have a boyfriend, fiancee or husband. Followed by thoughts of unworthiness because I don't have any of those, and will I ever have that?  Some days I'm okay with knowing I may never experience that, and other days I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. 

Will I be alone forever?

I've not had a relationship for about nine years; I can't remember how long ago it was. Can I find peace if I'm called to be single forever? Society has made it negative; we aren't whole people because we haven't found our person.  

My fellow believers could argue that I'm never alone as God is always with me, but that's not what I meant.  Will I ever love and be loved by another human in a romantic relationship?  I want to add ‘again’ at the end of that sentence, I’ve never been truly loved by those I have loved. 

I've already learned that my worth doesn't come from others, my job or any external forces, but only from God.  I struggle with this fact a lot as it's new for me. I’m so used to how socially we think that our worth comes from what we do and what others say to us and think of us. 

If I knew that I would be single forever, I could prepare myself for that, but clearly, I've no such insight. I may end up in a new relationship and get married, but this is all unknown to me now. 

In my immediate circle, there’s no one suitable for me to begin dating, so it looks like it’s a single life for me for the foreseeable future. 

That reminds me of a few posts I wrote a few years ago titled The Dating Game. I posted three blogs in the series in November and December 2018, and the final one in January 2019. 

I struggle to know how to approach the dating world as a Christian.  How do I meet Christian men?  You’ll probably tell me, “Duh, at church.”  But there aren’t any suitable/eligible men at my church.  The single men aren’t my type, i.e. I don’t find them attractive, or they're far too young. I know looks aren’t everything, but it does tend to help.  We are also a pretty small church.

I've never been the most confident, especially in dating, and it doesn't help that I’m also the most clueless at knowing when a guy is interested in me.  All that, coupled with my not believing I’m good enough or pretty, means I have no hope or a microscopically slim chance of leaving Single Town.

I know my age isn't helping as people are already well settled by my age, and if they are single, they most likely have children.  In this case, they'll be more cautious about who they let into their lives, and I understand that.

As of this writing, I’m happy where I am.  Life is uncomplicated by anyone else, and I can be selfish with how I spend my time.  Maybe, the lesson this season is to heal from my past and learn how amazing I am.  To get to know my abilities and His truth of who He created me to be.  I’m getting to know and love myself, along with getting to know and trust God.

“So you also are complete through your union with Christ.” Colossians 2:10.  

This means that I don't need anyone to complete me.  I'm already complete.  I am not less than because I am single.  

This verse from the Bible says that I was always enough, and I need to know that those who told me otherwise lied to me to make themselves feel better about themselves.  Maybe they didn't think they were worthy of being God's child and didn't want me to be either. 

It seems unfathomable to me that He planned my life millennia before I was even born.  The chances of me being here, of any of us being born, is so tiny that it is a miracle we are all here in the times we are. 

Society expectations; go out, drink lots, meet someone and take them home/or go home with them.  I did both of these things multiple times because I was so lost and searching for love in the wrong places, but I didn't know.

I can’t remember the last time I went out and drank lots.  I’m guessing it was around seven years ago when a couple of friends used to put club nights on at a local city centre nightclub. But I got fed up with regularly waking up on Sundays feeling like crap and effectively wasting a day feeling sorry for myself.  When I stopped going out on Saturday nights, I realised I’d get the whole next day back!

My last drink was either at my previous work’s Christmas do, or it may have been the ladies' night out for my church, both of which were in early 2020.  The work meal was on February 15 of that year, and I’ve no record of the ladies' meal in my phone calendar, but at least February or March, I’m guessing it was before the first UK lockdown.

I would only have one or two drinks for a few years, and I would be OK with that.  I stopped drinking and going out, regained my Sundays, and realised what I had lost; a whole day of the week! Sundays became my rest and recharge days, a day to debrief from the previous week and recharge for the upcoming week.

I began to be productive on Sundays; I’d put the laundry on, chill, get my food shop done for the week ahead and prepare my work lunches for the upcoming week.  I realised what a waste drinking was, at least drinking 4-5 alcoholic drinks, which would ruin me for the next day.

I had a hole in my heart, and I tried to fill it with the wrong things and wrong people.  It wasn’t for something of this earth or another human to fill it; it was for Jesus to fill it.

We, as non-believers, search and search to feel filled and made whole from external sources such as drink, sex, money and adoration from others.  But all along, we need to look inside of us to find Jesus, who was there all along, patiently waiting for us to realise that He alone fulfils us.

I was lost until He found me. He kept calling me and calling me until he could come to me. Non Believers are all his lost sheep, and it’s up to them to want to hear him.

I was yearning for something and didn't know what I was looking for.  I was looking to fill my heart and found external sources of sex and alcohol.  I needed to be loved, but I did that in the wrong ways and by the wrong people. I was filling the void in my heart with all the wrong things.

My heart needed God, not what I was giving it.

I still keep my Sundays for rest and recharge purposes, and in addition, they are now more centred around and focused on God.

A product requires a process.

I can’t expect to be an excellent Christian overnight. What is a proper Christian? Does such a thing even exist?  Becoming and being a Christian is a journey full of learning and growing experiences.

I need to unlearn the old ways and learn a new set of beliefs and practices. I’m a baby Christian, and I can’t expect to be perfect straight away, and didn’t Jesus say no one is perfect?

“But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

Matthew 5:48

New Living Translation

So we become perfect by becoming His fully.  Because He is perfect, but it’s not an overnight thing. We are a flawed race, sometimes too easily led by the enemy and think we control things too often that isn't meant for us to control.  

No one ever said it would be easy, and historically Christians, like other faiths, have been persecuted. Also, accepting Jesus into your life means more attacks from the enemy as he was so used to ruling and running our lives previously.  We now know who is against us, but we also have an amazing Father who will help us battle our demons if we ask.

“2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,”

James 1:2

New International Version

“Consider it a joy to face trials of many kinds”  My takeaway from this?  Everything is worthwhile, and even pain leads to better things.

Reading the Bible.

I don't know where to start.  I’ve read the gospels, which are always suggested as a place to start.  I’ve read about Joseph in Genesis, Esther, and Nehemiah through a Bible study group, but what to read after that?

I find the Bible overwhelming, but I must recognise that even though it is God’s word, it is also just a book with stories about people.

Besides, He already knows our struggles! 

To help me, I recently bought yet another Bible, but this one is a daily one with different sections to read daily.  There’s something from the Old and New Testaments and then Psalms and  Proverbs.  

So far, this is working for me; when I remember to pick it up as part of my quiet time!

And because there's part of the old and new Testaments, I'm reading parts of the Bible that I haven’t read, allowing me to read sections I may never have got to otherwise.

Trusting God.

Trust is a word that has come up for me continuously over the last few years because my ex damaged it.  God wants me to learn to trust Him, but I’m resistant to it.  I’m so used to thinking that I control things that I’d rather continue to hold onto things because it’s less scary than letting go.

Letting go of control is terrifying.  Especially when I didn't have any for the duration of my last long-term relationship, I did a 180* and attempted to control EVERYTHING.

God wants me to let go of what I’m holding and carrying that it was not for me.  But I can't seem to let go.  I know it's more painful and takes more energy to hold on, but how do I give control over too Him?

Twice this month, trust has come again. I couldn't control my life for so long, so I tried to control EVERYTHING. Most of which are uncontrollable. This is where trust has shown up.

I need to trust God and let go of what I'm holding onto and shouldn't be.  The last few times I trusted completely, I got irrevocably hurt, so I'm understandably reluctant to let go again.  Muscle memory has my hands in such a tight grip on these things, and He is trying to prise my fingers open to let go.

Last month my church sang ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong United, and it was on my heart many mornings following, and it had me in tears every single time.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour. “

How do I let go of something I am so used to trying to hold onto that I’m numb to the pain of it?

So how do I trust God?

He needs to be my first in everything.

Numbers 23:19

God is not a man, so he does not lie.

He is not human, so he does not change his mind.

Has he ever spoken and failed to act?

Has he ever promised and not carried it through?

God can’t lie, but because we are humans and we lie, we don’t seem to be able to believe him, and belief equals trust in him.

God is unchanging.

We don't believe God often because we're so used to dealing with people who lie and cheat, so we struggle to see God as anything different from us.

I need to learn to trust that God is who He says He is and that He is for me.  That He is with me as He always has been.

But I also need to start believing in my abilities to do something while trusting God in that situation.

Now I just have to figure out how to believe in my abilities and believe Him and trust Him at work in those situations.

My confidence at work has been taking a knock while it's been really quiet the past few months, and I was reminded of a couple of phrases recently in my quiet time;

Fake it till you make it. And, mind over matter.

This has been helping me let go of stress and anxiety at work lately.  It helped me with my depression years ago, and it's helping me again now.  I’m pretending that I’m confident, which allows me to feel more confident and, as a result, feel and look more relaxed when I’m serving a customer.

Why share these struggles?

Over the last few years, I've searched online for how to be a Christian after being sexually active, and I've come up with little to no information that I’ve found helpful.  I’m not the only one in this situation, so why do the lack of valuable resources?

Anything I have found about being a new believer, say to join a church, find a Christian community, and read and study scripture…  All the standard things we do as Christians, but how do I navigate the temptations and beliefs from my past that are no longer suitable to do because I’m a Christian?

That’s what I want to know!  

I’m aware that I mentioned these in my previous post, but; how do I navigate not giving into my old ways of sexual temptation?  How do I find a suitable Christian man who isn't old or far too young when my church is tiny?  How do I date as a born-again Christian after being sexually active and now wanting to honour God?   

Nothing but questions…

I guess I should take them to God.

…

Well, that seems obvious now that I've typed it out!

I need to take these things to Jesus and lay them at His feet. I need to hand them over to Him for Him to do His will. They’re not for me to control, even the first one!  

Wow!

As you were reading, you should know that the above was brought about as I typed, which is ALL directly from Him.  Because He knows that's what I needed to know and that someone else out there ALSO needs to hear that.

This is why I journal, share my stories on Instagram and write blog posts about what I’m going through.  Because writing it down or typing it out helps me to process things and, just as in this case, get amazing nuggets of wisdom downloaded straight from Jesus.

This is why I was led to the Martha and Mary story last year!!  For this moment, right now.  Sit down at Jesus’ feet and hand these things over to Him.  For Him to take them off me as they were never meant to be my burden to carry, and they are for Him to deal with on my behalf.  It's all part of His plan for His glory, and I am a mere pawn in his game as such.  

His will be done.  Not mine.  I need to take my hands off the wheel and trust that He has control of it everything, of it all.  

That’s a HUGE ask as a new believer, but I am willing to work on it more with Him and see where He takes me.  To see what excellent plans He has prepared for me in His timing.

Yet, God still loves me.  He called me back to Him like the lost sheep I was, the one Jesus mentions in the Parable of the Lost Sheep. He still loves you and wants you to follow Him, no matter how far you've strayed.  Ask for His forgiveness, and you will receive it.  

I want God to be pleased with me, and I want to be His dutiful daughter.  But I'm fumbling in the dark as it's still new to me, and I'm still learning everything.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode.  If you think this could benefit someone else, please share it with them and don’t forget to subscribe so that you never miss an episode. 

I have a few ideas for the next couple of podcasts, but if there’s something specific you’d like me to talk about from my journey, either DM the podcast on Instagram @thebetterpartpodcast or email us at the better part podcast at Gmail dot com. The links for both of those are in the podcast description.