I've really been struggling the past few weeks, I don’t know what mood I’m going to be in when I wake up and two Saturdays ago I woke to feel very anxious. I had my breakfast and did my meditation but then half an hour later while journaling I burst into tears. Even now I couldn’t tell you why. I had serious doubts as to if I should go into work as it happened about twenty minutes before I was due to leave the house.  But I find that keeping the structure in my day and seeing and speaking to people often helps lift my mood.

I managed to calm down enough and even though I was almost in tears on the walk to work I still went in because being busy and around people can help me so I was going to see how I went.  If I still felt crap and cried anymore I would ask if I could go home.  So what did I do? I text with a few friends, I looked online for ways to help myself and I made notes.  I pretended to be happy and positive when greeting and talking to customers and after a few hours, I felt a little bit better.  Not as good as I had been but at least I wasn't wanting to spontaneously burst into tears.

I decided that day that I needed to speak to my doctor and see what they could do to help me while I waited for my CBT which is due around early January sometime. Even though I've been doing a lot to try and help myself with meditation, journaling, gratitude and revising my sleeping routine, I clearly wasn't coping and heeded some help. I thought the doctor might discuss or advise antidepressants and I was thinking I was needing them.

In the appointment, he asked me to go through my mental health journey from when it all started and so I relived the last fifteen years or so in about ten minutes.  Not fun.  We discussed medication and I was asked my thoughts on my taking it. I said that I wasn't managing alone with what I was doing and that I thought I might need them.  

I walked out with a four week prescription for the antidepressants I've had in the past.  They only give four weeks initially to see how you go with them.  I need to call for another four-week prescription four weeks after the first appointment and If I need to I can speak to the doctor and let him know any updates.  If every thing's ok and I get the second four-week prescription, I then need to book an appointment to see the doctor and discuss how I'm coping and see if the medication or the dose needs changing.  That one takes place eight weeks from the initial appointment where I was given the medication.

I got home from the doctors and felt shattered so I napped for half an hour before lunch and another half an hour after lunch.  I felt headachy and tired.  I'm not sure what It was but as I felt fine before my doctor's appointment, I'm putting it down telling the doctor a condensed version of my story. I collected my meds from the pharmacist at lunchtime on Wednesday, the day after seeing the doctor and from the morning of Wednesday I have felt a little bit 'better'.  

I'm still practising gratitude, journaling and trying to remember to meditate every morning even though I'm now on medication.  It takes a few weeks to get into the system and I need those practices and tools to help me on low or lowish days so I need to keep doing them even though I'm having a few good days lately.