A Mental Health Update

When my mental health dips, I’ve noticed a few things happen.  My clean and dry laundry piles up, and I cannot throw out my recycling.  I don’t eat well, and I’m far too quick to reach for chips, crisps and chocolate.  I withdraw from accepting social invitations.  I struggle with the motivation to drive to do my weekly food shop, and I scroll far too much on social media.  I also stop doing things I enjoy, like recording podcasts and YouTube videos, posting on my Instagram, and writing blogs.

It’s been months since I uploaded a new blog here. It was September last year!  I knew it had been a while, but not quite that long.  

I’ve been on my mental health journey since December 2008, when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. A few years later, I had my PTSD diagnosis.  I believe I’ve had mental health issues long before I was diagnosed almost fifteen years ago.  I’m confident I would have had it while I was in the ten-year abusive relationship and maybe even before that from things that happened in my childhood.

At the end of November 2022, I took a massive mental nose dive that scared me so much that I self-referred for more therapy then and there.  I was at work that day, and my manager and colleague supported me, as always.  We agreed that I would step back from sales and serving for a few weeks to observe them and see if I could pick up anything new to try when serving customers.  Stepping back helped me a ton because it helped me gain a better perspective of things, both inside and outside of work.

My manager also very kindly reduced my sales target for December as I needed to build my skills and confidence back up before Boxing Day, as that is when our busiest time starts.  By then, I needed to be back up to speed as much as possible.

When January 2023 came, I monitored my sales from 2022 versus this year's numbers, keeping a record of each day's sales for each week to see how I was doing in comparison.  What happened still astonishes me.

In January this year, I smashed my biggest sale, weekly sales (twice). I also beat my best-ever month. I missed my January target, but I almost doubled the money I took in January 2023 against what I took the year before. I have reached and passed my February and March targets and made up the January deficit. Amazing!!!

This time last year, and even in November, on that morning that I was feeling so lost and discouraged, I could never imagine that this is where I would be today.  

On Tuesday, March 28th, I took another mental dip. I was in the toilets at work, unable to stop crying.  When I got to work, my colleague told me about a failed delivery from the day before because the wrong house number was on the delivery notes.

It seems silly and trivial, but it sent me further into my pit than expected.

I should feel better about myself because of how well I’ve done the past few months at work, but mental illness doesn't work like that.

I prayed to God for help with my thoughts and asked friends for their prayers.  It took me over an hour to calm down enough that I wasn't bursting into tears, and after a bit more time, I was able to sort out the issue.  I knew it was an easy fix, but I was so overwhelmed that morning, for some reason, that I found myself doing something I've not done in many years; crying in the toilets at work. 

Working back to a possible catalyst, I may have had a flashback nightmare that woke me silly early on Tuesday morning, but I don't remember it.  Excavating even further back, I was starting to dip on Sunday, and I also recall that I woke up in a bit of a funk that morning.  

I’ve not been myself for the last few weeks since my initial therapy session, which is always an introductory one.  In it, we discussed where I am mentally, what tools I've used to help myself and what happened in the past to get me to where I am.  Then, we meet in one or two weeks and begin therapy properly, where we develop some tools I can use to help me.  Both now and in the future as well.

I had a session on Thursday 30th, March, which could’ve been why I was in such a funk a few days before, expecting what would be discussed and the upsetting memories I would disclose to my therapist.  It’s never enjoyable, but it has to be done.  I liken it to the horrible-tasting cough medicine your mum would give you as a kid, explaining that it tastes bad because it does you good—a means to an end.  The result is what I’m trying to focus on, being better equipped to manage my mental health, get back to doing the things I enjoy and live my life in a healthier frame of mind.

I spent that morning doing my quiet time, getting a food shop done, and journaling.  After the therapy session, I did some self-care, journaled some more, watched an episode of my favourite TV show, The Chosen, made an easy and comforting tea of sweet potato fries and baked beans, and had a small pot of cookie dough ice cream as a treat.  I then watched some baseball from opening day, as I’m on the lookout for a team to support before heading to bed with a milky hot chocolate and a book.

Today, Friday the 31st, I feel a lot better, and Tuesday morning seems so far away from me now.   I’ve started to share my mental health journey more or less daily over on Instagram as I know it will help me as I go through it and others on the same journey as myself, no matter where they are on theirs.

Recovery takes time.

And it certainly isn't as linear as we would like.

I will try to post updates here and on my Instagram, but I won’t put pressure on myself to do so.

I need to take it a day at a time and, on the bad days, an hour or even a minute at a time.