There are a few of the prompts for May, Myself and I that I'd not looking forward to and this is one of them ... There are so many different interpretations for these words that it's really difficult to know what I would like to or more likely need to write about.  As with the Blurt Foundation Self-Careathon last year, I may not know what I'm going to write until I'm sat in front of the keyboard, and that's exactly what just happened.  I've been putting off starting this post today because I don't know which sort of star I was going to talk about.  

There's the shape of a star, like what goes on top of the Christmas tree, the balls of gas in the night sky some of which form consolations, astrology signs, celebrities; actors and musicians, being called a star when I've done a good job or doing something at work before my manager asks me to do that very job ... I even started to brainstorm idea's about what I could write about for each prompt while I was at work yesterday because I knew some of the prompts were going to be tricky to interpret into a blog post.

"I need to be the star of my own life, not the best friend."

appear into my head and I couldn't remember where I'd heard them. And it came to me, one of my favourite films that I watch around New Year or on New Year's Eve itself: The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Jack Black. 

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life for God's sake!

If you've not seen it, then you need to!  It's a really good positive film about taking charge of your life.  Is also currently on Netflix. Just saying.

This phrase corresponds with other thoughts that I've been having lately about needing to take charge of a few things, change things up, get out there, get out of my comfort zone a bit  ... You get the idea.  It's all very much easier said than done for someone like me.  I'm shy, an introvert and find it difficult to trust people.  What if it doesn't work out? What if I get hurt again?  What if?  What if?  What if?  It's a different what-if game than I've usually played of what if I'd not done this or what if I'd done this. Neither is very helpful.

So, how do I plan on becoming the star of my own life and stop being the best friend?  Well, I'm not too sure right now.  This thought is still only about an hour old to me so will need a bit of thought and plans to put in place of things I can act on.  But, right now, my thoughts are saying yes to invitations, not discounting things because I'm scared or anxious, trying new things, going to new places, pushing myself but then also rewarding myself when I've completed something new.

The reward part is I think important.  I need to have something more immediate to look forward to than the life I'd like to have which is much further down the line.  Without more immediate gratification, I'm likely to give up or not even start trying.  Then I'm still stuck in the same place that I'm in right now.  

So I can start with small things; having lunch out in a cafe again.  I used to do this regularly, I'd take my journal and a book to read and just while away free hours on my own but out of the house. Different surroundings and often different thoughts and perspectives on things.  I can take myself off to the cinema.  I could take a day trip to Manchester or Liverpool next week when I'm off work.  As well as going to the meet up I've been invited to, not wuss out make up an excuse to myself as to why I shouldn't go and then make up another excuse to the organiser as to why I can't go.

It's all baby steps towards a bigger picture and a better life for myself.

After all: I'm supposed to be the star of my own life for God's sake!