Some of you will have noticed if you check my blog regularly for new posts that I've stopped doing the May, Myself and I post a few weeks back. I think I mentioned in one of my last posts that I was going through a tough time lately and so my blog and the challenge took a back seat.  The hiatus has lasted longer than I thought it would and I'm still in the thick of the tough time, so I have decided to pause the May, Myself and I challenge for the time being.    

My mental health is my first priority as yours should be for you and the self-imposed pressure to post daily was getting too much for me with all that's been going on this month.  This post is, therefore, an apology for the challenge and a catch up with some of what's been going on lately.  As I've said I'm still in the thick of it so please bear with me if I ramble in this post and if it seems a bit confusing.

May started out with my anxiety bubbling up due to work things.  The company I work for has entered into voluntary CVA (Company Voluntary Arrangement) which meant for a few weeks beforehand the company was in what felt limbo to me.  So many unknowns and things out of my control that it sent me into a downward spiral which was going on while I had a week off work to take some holiday days, which meant the spiral went down much faster than I thought it would.  

I was worried about losing my job, about not getting another one and that I would have to move back to my mums and live with her and my brother. I've lived away from my parents home for about twenty years so moving back would be a huge change.

I don't have as many people contact me while I'm taking holiday days because when I'm at work I speak to the handful of colleagues that are in that day as well as the hundreds of customers we have through the door and the other stores and customers who call with queries.  These conversations all help lift my mind from its funk if I happen to be having one.  Without all that people contact my moods can dip quite quickly and quite deep. 

My mind dips are usually like a gradual wavy line up and down but this one was more of an angry spike downwards with no way of knowing how to stop it.  I felt trapped backside my bubble again, all sounds and colours were muted, I couldn't tell which way was up and I was really struggling to help myself.  I really believe that if I had gone to the doctors that week asking for help that I would have been signed off sick.  

The weekend before I was due back to work I started using the Breathe app and doing some of the meditations on it as well as listing at least ten things that I was grateful for in a morning.  Once I was back at work and the CVA had been voted for as well as talking to colleagues and customers my mood started to come back up again.  It all takes time but practising morning meditation and gratitude has been a recent game-changer for me.

I've also looked at my eating plan again and am planning my evening meals for the week ahead on Sundays when I work in my planners.  I may swap what days I eat the meals I've listed but it feels better having a rough plan of what to eat after a day at work.  This last week I've even stopped buying butties for workday lunches and have been taking a jacket potato to microwave at work and I have it with some dairy-free margarine, some cheese and red onion chutney.  It may not be enough calories for what I'm expending but it's quick and easy to prepare as well as being filling and comforting.  

My morning practise now follows the following pattern;

- lighting some sandalwood incense 

- the Breathe app meditation

- writing at least ten things that I am grateful for

- writing in my journal

- all the while taking slow deep breaths, think positive thoughts and smiling.

I know that I've got a bit still to go until I was feeling as good as I was in April, but challenges and mood dips make us stronger as we dig around them, work through them and come to understand them.