How Are Things Going?

I can’t believe it’s been over two years since I started my job!!

It’s not long compared to how long I was in my previous job (almost fifteen years), but it still seems ages.  I guess that’s because so much has happened in the world and my world over the last few years.

We’ve had a worldwide pandemic, we’ve had Ukraine invaded, England lost a Queen and got a new King, and I have started therapy again; I’m still on medication for my mental health (and have been since September 2019), and started therapy in March of 2023. 

But, for those who weren’t here two years ago and those who need a refresher, let me recap how I came to be in my current job.

Job Changes 

A few weeks into January 2021, while the UK was in its third lockdown for The Virus That Shall Not Be Named, I found out that the store I had worked in since May 2007 was having to close due to a landlord’s decision.  The lease was up in May that year, and they decided not to renew it.

There were no jobs locally for me to transfer to, so I took redundancy and worked my notice over the next few months during our last lockdown.

I was looking sporadically for a new job but not with any urgency until the end of March 2021 rolled around, which is when I began to panic a bit about not having a job once the lockdown finished and my notice period ran out. 

In early April 2021, I was looking on a job website when there wasn't anything suitable for me that day, so I looked at my saved jobs and saw one I had saved a few days earlier for a local store and thought I had nothing to lose in applying.  

That was on a Wednesday. On Friday, I had a telephone interview call from the manager who, at the end of the call, said that he wanted to get me in for an interview, but because non-essential retail was still closed, he had to get permission for that.

I had my interview that Sunday, and I felt complete peace about the interview.  It’s the calmest I think I've ever been in one because I don't like them.  

Two days later, I had a lovely call from a lady at HR offering me the job.

I was so shocked that I had to keep checking my phone to check that the call had actually happened.  I soon realised that from applying for the job to being offered the job was seven days.  How crazy is that?!

The turnaround for my previous job was about as quick. 

I started my new job, my current job, on Monday, April 19th, 2021.  There were twelve weeks of training before passing graduation, which I just scraped through, but at least I passed.  A few weeks later, my manager took a year's secondment at another store as that manager wanted to help the NHS with the jabs that were starting to be offered to people.  So, we had a new manager start with us, and for the rest of the year, I practised my new sales job.  

Within a few months of starting, I discovered that a colleague I worked with, just us two, for two days a week, is also a Christian, so we would encourage each other when we were having a tough day.  In January 2022, he wanted to move to a bigger store but had to wait as no positions were open.  He began to get disheartened with his job because a transfer wasn't forthcoming, and some of his family was also having health problems at the same time, so a few months into the year, he began to look at taking a year’s sabbatical from work.  

By the time March 2022 rolled around, his leaving looked more definite, and the temporary manager was also looking to return to his original store so that he would be closer to home, also for family reasons.  

We had another temporary manager for April and May of 2022 before our original manager could return for June.  So, in four months, we had three managers, and my Christian colleague was definitely going to be leaving around June as well.  He ended up staying till around mid-June, and then there was a two-week wait before his replacement could start.  That’s a lot of changes in a small team of four.

I had always struggled to reach my targets, but I was still learning my new sales job. From then on, my head wasn't in the game at work. I was constantly missing my targets, although some months, I was pretty close.  A miss is still a miss, though.  And the year's target for myself and the store was so far gone that it was damage limitation.  

Mental Wobble

At the end of November, I had a significant mental health wobble, where I found myself in a mental place I’d not been in before.  It scared me so much that I self-referred for more CBT then and there.  I was at work that day, so I told my manager and colleague what happened that morning.  My manager decided I would take a few weeks off from selling to observe them and see if I could pick up anything different they were doing that I could adapt and try for myself.

Over December, I had a much lower target and tried some of the things I’d seen my colleagues do and some of what I’d done before.  My confidence and patience grew that month, as it’s one of our quietest months, with people gearing up for Christmas rather than buying a bed or mattress.

Then, towards the end of the year, the head office announced changes to the monthly review system for the upcoming year. It was going to points, so there’d be points for reaching and being over your monthly target and reaching some of the KPIs that make up the main target, like pillow sales, disposal and assembly, etc.  There would also be a separate score for service levels, which is customer feedback. This is seen as the review's main focus because if we don’t give excellent service, people won’t buy from us. 

This Year 

A colleague slipped on some ice the week before Christmas and broke his ankle, which needed surgery. He was off for about four months with various delays due to infections. 

That put extra pressure on the remaining three staff including me. 

I didn’t have time to worry about it, though, because it was non-stop busy from Boxing Day for around three weeks. That bolstered my confidence because it was busy, and with being a staff member down, I was getting in front of more customers. 

January and February were a blur of being busy at work and trying to keep my mental health in a safe place while waiting for a call from Minds Matter to determine what help I would need. 

In January, it was decided that more CBT would be the best thing for me, and I agreed to have a newly qualified therapist who would be overseen by two seasoned ones so that I could be seen quickly. 

On March 17, I started the first of twelve sessions over the next five months. 

I like a few weeks between sessions to debrief from a session and then work more on what we did in the appointment. It also allows me to uncover more feelings, forgotten information, and situations about my past trauma.  We sometimes work on what I learned in between in the next session if needed. 

Once I started my therapy, my sales figures and service scores both dipped massively, which was to be expected. We’ve delved deep into my past and childhood to get to where the root of my limiting beliefs stemmed from, which means reliving the trauma. 

Our bodies store trauma responses, so my brain and body had to heal from going over past events. 

But, once we knew where the limiting beliefs come from, we could look for evidence for some truth in those beliefs (spoiler, there wasn’t any).  So, we then looked at a more truthful and positive view to counteract the negative ones. 

For example, some limiting beliefs are that I’m not good enough or clever enough.  There’s NO evidence for the thought that I’m not smart enough.  And in between therapy sessions, I remembered something I was told often growing up.  Someone told me multiple times that I had two brain cells; one got lost, and the other died of loneliness. 

When I was in my 20s and studying for my degree, I was tested by an educational psychologist who determined that I’m mildly dyslexic and have short-term memory issues. 

So I AM clever enough; it’s just that person was measuring me against unknown to me and unrealistic goals, and my brain works differently because of my dyslexia. 

My limiting beliefs all come from what other people said to me in my past, and those things have become my truth because I wasn’t told anything different.  I was consistently told the negative things I’ve found to be lies.  

After leaving high school, I needed to retake some exams as I didn't quite get the grades I needed to get onto the art course I wanted to.  One of the classes I took was Child Psychology because it sounded interesting.  I remember learning that birth to age eight are a child's formative years, where we learn about who we are, who others are, how we relate to people, how others see us and how we begin to see ourselves. 

What you are taught, you will become. 

From other’s behaviour and what they said to me, I learned that I was stupid, not good enough and that my needs didn't matter.  I learned that love was conditional.  As a result, I never learned to ask for things.  I never thought highly of myself. I didn't believe that I mattered.  

Growing up, I never drew attention to myself and still don’t like being the centre of attention. I’m shy when I first meet people; coming out of my shell can take a while.  It takes longer now than it ever has before because I don’t know if I can trust people or if they’re going to take advantage of me and hurt me like those in my past have. 

How Does Therapy Relate to My Work?

Because I have done the work to look at my limiting beliefs and gained an honest view of who I actually am from facts and not from someone’s opinion of who they think I am or who they believe I am, my confidence has grown. My anxiety has lowered, and I'm much better at stopping negative thoughts now, so I don’t get stuck in a negative self-talk track and end up in a downward spiral. 

I’ve also been reframing my thoughts and what I do at work now that I’m doing better mentally so that instead of focusing on the target number, which I’m used to, I’m retraining myself to focus on my customer service and the customer’s needs.  

It’s taking some time to switch because the £ has been the focus for most of my time in this job, and it’s only recently that head office wants to also focus on the customer service and the feedback of the person who served them when they’ve bought from us.  

It’s a matter of remembering to take a deep breath, smile and shift the focus from my anxiety and the target number onto the customer, which is more important anyway. 

I didn’t reach my August target, but I did hit my service levels, so hopefully, things will start to settle down for me regarding my mental health both inside and outside of work because helping treat it has helped me in both areas of my life.  

I also know it will be a lifelong journey to look after my mental health and that I will need to look after myself more on some occasions and in some situations.  If I know I will be seeing someone who has treated me unkindly in the past, what can I do before and afterwards to look after myself? 

Therapy teaches me how to have a game plan in action for some situations.  It’s helping me to learn, recognise and act on my needs. It’s teaching me compassion for myself, something I’ve never had before because I wasn’t taught about it growing up. I’m starting to feel calmer and less anxious again, which is obviously a goal of therapy.